Fighting my Stinkin' Thinkin'

Today I feel overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed. It's a new semester and I'm already considering dropping a class and I'm struggling in the rest. I feel frustrated and am fighting for every last shred of hope I can find. Why? Because I'm depressed again. I had a short reprieve in December, but my dear friend depression is back.

I don't know if school is triggering it, or exacerbating it. Maybe. But what do I do? Quit? That's not my style. Now, if I decided to change majors, that's a different story, but I won't just give up because the going gets rough. I'm only going to change majors if I decide I won't be happy in a career in my chosen field. So for now, I'm hanging on, battling days where getting to class is nigh impossible and where I don't care about anything. I feel like such a failure so many days. I can't do everything I want to do because the chemicals in my brain are wacky. It's life. And when it's like this, it sucks.

I met with my counselor on Monday and we talked about what's going on. She reminded me that only I have the power to combat my "stinkin' thinkin'", or the negative thoughts that depression throws my way. Of course I can't get rid of my depression by willing it gone, but I can help fight it so my days aren't as bad by not allowing negative thoughts to stick around. Yes, that negative thought will just be replaced by another one, but I can throw that one out too. Will I still be depressed? You betcha. But if I can bring my depression down from a 9 to an 8, that's a victory I'm willing to take. 

The biggest "stinkin' thinkin'" I need to fight right now is the all or nothing thinking, especially about my worth. I'm not a success or a failure. I'm a human who lives in a world of grays. Some days I accomplish more than others. On days I'm depressed, I accomplish less because my brain and my body can't handle the depression and the stresses of life as well as I would like. But that doesn't make me a failure. I'm just a human who has to live with a human condition. I can't hold myself to the same standard on days I'm depressed as I can on days I'm feeling well. I can't do it. I'm not worth less because of that. My internal worth is not based on whether I turned in every assignment on time or if I get an A in every class. My internal worth is dependent only on the type of person I am, my heart, and my intentions. 

"Stinkin' Thinkin'" may try to control my life, but I can fight it. That's an empowering thought. I may not be able to get rid of my depression by throwing out those negative thoughts, but I can get stronger, learn to challenge thoughts that enter my mind, and find ways to hope, even when the going gets rough. It may be challenging, but I think fighting my "stinkin' thinkin'" is worth the effort.