I had a realization today: If I weren't on a medication that
kept my moods mostly in check, I would be swinging wildly out of balance right
now.
I can see the pattern: the other day, I was in a great
space. It wasn't hypomanic--my meds kept me out of that level--but it was
great. Then 2 days later, I'm pretty depressed and honestly wishing I could go
to sleep and wake up maybe never. Not actually suicidal as I don't really want
to die, but I'm so tired of life. (And yes, I logically know that I have NO
reason to be tired of life. It's a feature of my disorder, nothing more nothing
less.) But the pattern is clear--high to low.
That's my typical mood shifting pattern. High to low. Except
because of my medication, the high wasn't high enough to cause any issues and
the low wasn't bad enough to really be concerning. It's uncomfortable, but not
concerning. (If you don't have depression/have never dealt with it, or it isn't
a chronic issue with you, I could see you thinking me wanting to go to sleep
and not wake up as a concerning factor, but honestly it's a pretty benign
version. There was no active push to hurt myself in any way shape or form. I
was in no way a danger to myself. I just wanted to sleep. That's a "I need
to watch this" situation, not a "I need help now" situation.)
This realization made me appreciate my medication again.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I have to take medication to live a normal life,
but you know what? That's the wrong attitude. Here's the reality: I am so very
blessed that I have a medication that helps me live a normal life! Because I'm
a disaster off of medication. None of what I've accomplished since 2012 would
have been possible without medication. I was a high school and college drop out
who felt like a failure. I was a good massage therapist who couldn't be
consistent with my clients because my moods were all over the place. The world
was scary because I never knew what tomorrow would bring. The journey to
finding the right med wasn't easy. Oh man, it wasn't easy. I read through a list of typical bipolar medications today and counted the ones I've been on. Assuming all the meds I've been on were on that list, I've been on at least 7 different bipolar meds, not including the
different antidepressants, just to get me where I'm at today.
In March
of 2017, I finally found my magical medicine. My psychiatrist put me on Latuda and I've been on it since. In just under 3 years, I've only had a
handful of hypomanic episodes and none of them were serious or
concerning. I've had a lot less depression episodes as well, though like most mood
stabilizers, Latuda stabilize me into a mild depression (why I've also been on a lot of
antidepressants). My life is stressful and hectic and I'm managing. I'm not
doing great every day, but I'm managing at a higher capacity than anyone else I know with bipolar disorder as severe as mine. When I look at where my life has been and where my life could be, I thank my lucky stars that I have medication.
Which made me realize that it's time to admit defeat and go back to my psychiatrist. I'm too depressed to not be on an antidepressant right now. But again, that's the wrong attitude. I have an amazing psychiatrist who will listen to me and put me on a medication to help with my depression. She knows which ones have worked for me in the past and which ones are likely to help with the upcoming situations I'm facing. She'll help me find the best way to manage this symptom. While this level of depression is not concerning, it is uncomfortable, and why should I live in a constant state of being uncomfortable when there's something I can do about it? So I'm calling my doctor tomorrow.
Even if I couldn't get on an antidepressant right now, I'd still be grateful for what I have. I am running my own business, writing a novel, and helping build a start-up right now. I couldn't have done that before finding Latuda, so today, I'm going to be grateful for my little white pill that I take just before bed.
The story of a bipolar girl living in a world that doesn't understand bipolar disorder. Or girls.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Being Manic is Like Being Drunk
I have spent the last several weeks really depressed. It was
the worst last Saturday. I had to reach out to friends and family, begging them
to help me because it felt like way more than I could handle on my own.
Today, I feel really happy and I have so much energy. I should be glad, but this scares the crap out of me.
Why? Because today I feel hypomanic.
See, when someone enters the land of mania, it's like getting drunk. The more manic you get, the more "drunk" you are. I am only ever hypomanic--so I'm never wasted--just mildly drunk. The biggest differences I see is that: 1. you don't wake up from mania thinking "I don't remember anything". Unfortunately, you get to remember ALL your mistakes. And 2. you don't get slowed down--mania gives you a lot of energy. So you're a drunk who's also on speed.
Just like there are happy drunks and irritable drunks, some people who get hypomanic get happy and others get irritable. I'm lucky that I get happy, but that doesn't make everything better
When people get drunk, their inhibition control starts to taper off. This also happens when you become manic. The top 4 destructive behaviors people do when they're manic that they can normally control otherwise are 1. Spend too much money. 2. Drink too much (ironic since they're practically drunk anyway). 3. Do drugs (also ironic since it's possible when in a true mania to behave and feel like you're totally high). 4. Be promiscuous.
Because I only exhibit the first behavior, my first psychiatrist didn't believe I'm bipolar. Not kidding. There's various reasons I don't do the last 3, but I can promise you that despite that, I'm definitely bipolar. I've been to 5 psychiatrists, 2 therapists, and psychologist since who all agree that I'm bipolar. If you want to know why I don't drink, do drugs, or have sex willy-nilly when hypomanic, that's a conversation for another day.
One risky behavior that I DO participate in is driving irrationally or irresponsibly. I hate when I have to drive far when I'm hypomanic because my brain says I should do a lot of stupid stuff. I have found myself driving over 90 in a 65 mph zone and heavy traffic with the NEED to go even faster, just for the rush. I can't explain it well. It's like every fiber in your being says to go faster and you have this one sliver of rational thought saying "uh, guys...this is a bad idea...". I have also had strong urges to weave all over the road because it sounds like fun. Luckily I was in enough control that I was able to withstand both of those. Barely.
The only reason my crazy behaviors aren't worse is because I'm bipolar II: I only have to deal with hypomania. When you're full on manic, it's like you're totally wasted. That voice that says "this is a terrible idea" doesn't exist. I've gotten close to crossing that line before--where I feel like I'm only hanging onto control by a thread. I'm not foolish enough to believe it's because I have some great self control that I haven't done stupider things. It's honestly just because my mania's aren't as severe. I don't judge ANYONE who has done stupid shit while manic. Imagine it: you're completely drunk to the point that you have lost your self control and you did nothing to get yourself here. It's normally not something you can choose to avoid. "Gee, I don't want to be manic today, thank you. I'm going to avoid _____.” There are things that can trigger it, but you can be triggered for absolutely no reason besides today is a Tuesday after a full moon and the sun is shining.
Like being drunk, there's always a price to pay after. After a night of heavy drinking, you get a hangover. After a manic episode, there's a crash. Just as different people experience hangovers to different levels, people crash to different levels as well. Some people it's super mild and they're able to return to normal fast. Others experience debilitating depression immediately following the high. I'm one of the latter. The higher I get, the lower I'll crash and the harder it'll hit. I've had mild manias that result in mild crashes, but if the hypomanic episode lasts more than a few days or is one that's on the verge of losing control, I'm going to be depressed for a while. The only time I got truly suicidal--like created a plan and was close to acting (I get the "I want to die" feelings often enough I don't count those)--was during a crash following a hypomanic episode. The crashes scare me so much that I can't enjoy the high. If you almost died from a hangover, would you ever drink again? Probably not, or at least you'd be super careful about it. Except I can't control the fact that I'm now drunk and will have a hangover. I can't control how "drunk" I get or how bad the crash will be. All I can do is make sure my lifelines are all lined up so if it's a bad one, I will be able to get the help I need.
You know how as you age, your tolerance for alcohol gets worse? Well, for some of us who are bipolar, as we age, our manias get worse. I think I fall into this category. When I was younger, my manias were mild and my crashes weren't too bad either. The more manic episodes I experience, the harder it is to control myself and the harder it is to rebound after. This scares me every time I start to get hypomanic. Many people who start as bipolar II end up as bipolar I eventually. The only difference is the level of mania. So every time I get manic, I wonder "will this be the time I enter a true mania? Will I completely lose control this time?" Picture this kind of crazy world: If you have one swig of alcohol, but it's like Russian Roulette. You might end up a little tipsy or you might end up running in the park naked wasted and you have no idea which it's going to be until after you've had the alcohol. Now imagine you don't even have to drink alcohol to have that effect. It's scary as hell.
The comparison to being on drugs and drunk at the same time makes even more sense the more manic you get. Things that people who experience full mania also sometimes experience? Paranoia. Psychotic breaks. Not sleeping for days. Grandiosity to the point they think they're deity--or have some special relationship with deity. It's no joke.
Some people who get manic LOVE getting manic. I don't blame them. Some people who get drunk LOVE getting drunk. The joy they feel in the moment outweighs the negatives for them. Sometimes I wish I were one of those people. Instead, I'm one of the people who feels like getting drunk isn't worth it. Yeah, I like being happy, but I also really like not doing stupid stuff and almost getting myself killed. I also really like being NORMALLY happy--the real kind--the kind that doesn't lead to crashes and near suicide attempts. Call me crazy, but I really like my life. I also like knowing I'm happy because of life, not because the chemicals in my brain are out of whack. I like being happy because the world is a beautiful place, not because I somehow didn't get enough sleep for a few days and now my body thinks that I should be hypomanic.
Mostly, I like being in control. I spent about 11 years of my life feeling completely out of control and having no idea why. Medicine has given me some level of control and at least now I know why my moods aren't something I can just change willy-nilly, but if I could trade away my bipolar, manias and all, I'd do it in a heartbeat just so I could be in control. I would gladly give up this extra level of happy forever if I could wake up every day with a pretty good idea of what kind of day I'm going to have. Or if I could be one of those people who could just choose what mood I'm going to have. I've tried. I can't. If I could, I wouldn't be manic right now.
Long story short, being manic is like being drunk--except you didn't choose to become drunk in the first place. For some people, it's worth it. For me, it's not.
Today, I feel really happy and I have so much energy. I should be glad, but this scares the crap out of me.
Why? Because today I feel hypomanic.
See, when someone enters the land of mania, it's like getting drunk. The more manic you get, the more "drunk" you are. I am only ever hypomanic--so I'm never wasted--just mildly drunk. The biggest differences I see is that: 1. you don't wake up from mania thinking "I don't remember anything". Unfortunately, you get to remember ALL your mistakes. And 2. you don't get slowed down--mania gives you a lot of energy. So you're a drunk who's also on speed.
Just like there are happy drunks and irritable drunks, some people who get hypomanic get happy and others get irritable. I'm lucky that I get happy, but that doesn't make everything better
When people get drunk, their inhibition control starts to taper off. This also happens when you become manic. The top 4 destructive behaviors people do when they're manic that they can normally control otherwise are 1. Spend too much money. 2. Drink too much (ironic since they're practically drunk anyway). 3. Do drugs (also ironic since it's possible when in a true mania to behave and feel like you're totally high). 4. Be promiscuous.
Because I only exhibit the first behavior, my first psychiatrist didn't believe I'm bipolar. Not kidding. There's various reasons I don't do the last 3, but I can promise you that despite that, I'm definitely bipolar. I've been to 5 psychiatrists, 2 therapists, and psychologist since who all agree that I'm bipolar. If you want to know why I don't drink, do drugs, or have sex willy-nilly when hypomanic, that's a conversation for another day.
One risky behavior that I DO participate in is driving irrationally or irresponsibly. I hate when I have to drive far when I'm hypomanic because my brain says I should do a lot of stupid stuff. I have found myself driving over 90 in a 65 mph zone and heavy traffic with the NEED to go even faster, just for the rush. I can't explain it well. It's like every fiber in your being says to go faster and you have this one sliver of rational thought saying "uh, guys...this is a bad idea...". I have also had strong urges to weave all over the road because it sounds like fun. Luckily I was in enough control that I was able to withstand both of those. Barely.
The only reason my crazy behaviors aren't worse is because I'm bipolar II: I only have to deal with hypomania. When you're full on manic, it's like you're totally wasted. That voice that says "this is a terrible idea" doesn't exist. I've gotten close to crossing that line before--where I feel like I'm only hanging onto control by a thread. I'm not foolish enough to believe it's because I have some great self control that I haven't done stupider things. It's honestly just because my mania's aren't as severe. I don't judge ANYONE who has done stupid shit while manic. Imagine it: you're completely drunk to the point that you have lost your self control and you did nothing to get yourself here. It's normally not something you can choose to avoid. "Gee, I don't want to be manic today, thank you. I'm going to avoid _____.” There are things that can trigger it, but you can be triggered for absolutely no reason besides today is a Tuesday after a full moon and the sun is shining.
Like being drunk, there's always a price to pay after. After a night of heavy drinking, you get a hangover. After a manic episode, there's a crash. Just as different people experience hangovers to different levels, people crash to different levels as well. Some people it's super mild and they're able to return to normal fast. Others experience debilitating depression immediately following the high. I'm one of the latter. The higher I get, the lower I'll crash and the harder it'll hit. I've had mild manias that result in mild crashes, but if the hypomanic episode lasts more than a few days or is one that's on the verge of losing control, I'm going to be depressed for a while. The only time I got truly suicidal--like created a plan and was close to acting (I get the "I want to die" feelings often enough I don't count those)--was during a crash following a hypomanic episode. The crashes scare me so much that I can't enjoy the high. If you almost died from a hangover, would you ever drink again? Probably not, or at least you'd be super careful about it. Except I can't control the fact that I'm now drunk and will have a hangover. I can't control how "drunk" I get or how bad the crash will be. All I can do is make sure my lifelines are all lined up so if it's a bad one, I will be able to get the help I need.
You know how as you age, your tolerance for alcohol gets worse? Well, for some of us who are bipolar, as we age, our manias get worse. I think I fall into this category. When I was younger, my manias were mild and my crashes weren't too bad either. The more manic episodes I experience, the harder it is to control myself and the harder it is to rebound after. This scares me every time I start to get hypomanic. Many people who start as bipolar II end up as bipolar I eventually. The only difference is the level of mania. So every time I get manic, I wonder "will this be the time I enter a true mania? Will I completely lose control this time?" Picture this kind of crazy world: If you have one swig of alcohol, but it's like Russian Roulette. You might end up a little tipsy or you might end up running in the park naked wasted and you have no idea which it's going to be until after you've had the alcohol. Now imagine you don't even have to drink alcohol to have that effect. It's scary as hell.
The comparison to being on drugs and drunk at the same time makes even more sense the more manic you get. Things that people who experience full mania also sometimes experience? Paranoia. Psychotic breaks. Not sleeping for days. Grandiosity to the point they think they're deity--or have some special relationship with deity. It's no joke.
Some people who get manic LOVE getting manic. I don't blame them. Some people who get drunk LOVE getting drunk. The joy they feel in the moment outweighs the negatives for them. Sometimes I wish I were one of those people. Instead, I'm one of the people who feels like getting drunk isn't worth it. Yeah, I like being happy, but I also really like not doing stupid stuff and almost getting myself killed. I also really like being NORMALLY happy--the real kind--the kind that doesn't lead to crashes and near suicide attempts. Call me crazy, but I really like my life. I also like knowing I'm happy because of life, not because the chemicals in my brain are out of whack. I like being happy because the world is a beautiful place, not because I somehow didn't get enough sleep for a few days and now my body thinks that I should be hypomanic.
Mostly, I like being in control. I spent about 11 years of my life feeling completely out of control and having no idea why. Medicine has given me some level of control and at least now I know why my moods aren't something I can just change willy-nilly, but if I could trade away my bipolar, manias and all, I'd do it in a heartbeat just so I could be in control. I would gladly give up this extra level of happy forever if I could wake up every day with a pretty good idea of what kind of day I'm going to have. Or if I could be one of those people who could just choose what mood I'm going to have. I've tried. I can't. If I could, I wouldn't be manic right now.
Long story short, being manic is like being drunk--except you didn't choose to become drunk in the first place. For some people, it's worth it. For me, it's not.
Thursday, February 28, 2019
A New Life Course
Yes, I know I haven't posted in FOREVER. Why? Because I'm in my senior year of a strenuous program and it's beyond stressful. Plus I'm running a business and have had some mental health issues. I'm going to work on writing more...after this semester. In the meantime, here is the big "I'm changing the entire direction of my life" blog post you've all been waiting for (and by you all, I mean 3 of you).
As many of you know, I have been attending school for the last (almost) four years to become a biomedical engineer. I am on the final stretch! I have less than six months until I graduate (assuming I don't crash and burn...We're trying to avoid that). Anyway, for the first three years of my ASU career, the goal was to graduate, get a job in a big medical device company as a junior engineer, and start earning some money.
Then things started changing.
First, in August of 2017 I opened my massage business and then in March 2018, I took a leap of faith and got a physical location and started seriously building my business. This was supposed to be a side gig until I graduated, maybe pay my way through grad school as well. Little did I know it would prove to be the foundation of everything.
The thing is, I really like working in a small business as my own boss. I even like being other people's boss. I don't mind the responsibility and I like figuring out how to make things "go". From the beginning, I've loved going to work more than going to school, and it's not just that doing massages relaxes me. I even like doing the paperwork more than I like going to school. I'd rather do my business taxes than attend my thermodynamics course. This is something I noticed last spring, but I simply put the thought on the back burner and moved on with my life.
At the start of Fall semester, one of my engineering professors talked about this class called "MedTech Ventures" where you build a venture based on a medical device, including designing and building the device. It sounded a lot like my capstone course and I thought it would provide me with another great opportunity to design a medical device before graduation, thus increasing my chances of getting a good job. I signed up. And I fell in love--but not with the "medical device designing" part. No, I fell in love with the "building a venture" part.
Doing MedTech Ventures at the same time as I'm doing Capstone has been eye opening. Essentially, they're really similar. Come up with a medical device, design the device., figure out what it takes to sell the device. The focus is different though. In Capstone it's about the engineering and the business is a tool to help get the device created. In MedTech Ventures it's about building a venture and using engineering as a tool do create a successful business. As I've progressed through the year, I realized over and over again that I would rather be doing what I'm doing in MedTech Ventures than what I'm doing in Capstone.
Part of the appeal of MedTech Ventures is the role I get to play. See, in that "class" (it's more of a program), I get to play a unique role. I get to be the go-between for engineers and business people. From three and a half years of engineering school, I speak the engineering language. What I don't understand, I know how to learn, and I can quickly be caught up to speed. I also speak enough business between my own experience running a small business and the class that I can hold competent conversations with the business people as well. Best part? I can translate between the two. I can take what the business people want and word it in a way that the engineer understands the importance. I can also take what the engineer is saying and simplify it so that the business people can understand the essentials.
It turns out, there's a real position in companies that would allow me to be the translating-go-between for these departments. It's called "Product Manager". There's a lot more to it than that, but essentially I'd be working with the two departments, translating between the two, and making sure the product was developed in a timely manner. I'd also get to be the boss, which is appealing for me. When I found out about this position last fall, my brain starting going crazy, but I didn't significantly change my plans. I was still looking at getting a job in engineering this year.
The next twist that happened was I decided to go to grad school. I took the GRE and everything. My plan was to get a degree in biomedical engineering and open up more engineering options for me. This locked my brain back into engineering mode and I began pursuing that path.
Then the last few weeks happened. I don't have time here to talk about what all that entailed, but the essentials is I've had some major head-space shifts and I decided I didn't want to be an engineer. At all. Ever. I love being involved in the process of device creation. I really don't like being the one doing the detailed engineering work. Someone else can do that, please. This lead me back to what I've loved the most in the last year: being involved in building businesses/ventures.
So, here's where I'm at: I'm looking at two options for grad school. One, I get an MS in Innovation something or other. This option may not even be an option as the program was supposed to launch this fall, but it looks like they might delay it. The other is I get an MBA. Right now, I'm leaning toward the MBA option. I'm thinking of applying now, even though I'm just coming out of my undergrad, because the fact I'm a non traditional student might get me in anyway. Plus, how many of the undergrads can say they started and ran a successful business while going to school full time? If it doesn't work, my plans don't change significantly--it just puts the school piece on hold.
The rest of the short term plan is to get some experience in ventures, preferably MedTech and preferably in Product Management. I am not looking for a full time job as I plan on a) going to school, and b) keeping my massage business going. I actually believe that the MedTech Ventures program will open this door. I have some amazing connections now that I wouldn't have had without this program. If I get into an MBA program, I'll go to school while doing this, but do it part time. This will provide me with the skills, experience, and connections I need for future goals.
The long term plan is to be involved in the creation of MedTech businesses. I want to help build them from the ground up and then when they get big enough to garner attention, sell them off to the big companies and start fresh. If I'm not in an owner role (which I'm not necessarily opposed to), I do the same but don't sell it--just leave for a new venture when it's sold. There's going to be some failures in there. That's OK. I think failure can be a great tool. But there's also bound to be some successes.
My life is much less "sure" than it was a few weeks ago, but I'm way more excited and happy than I used to be as well. My sister commented that I seem lighter, like a weight has been taken off. It's true. I'm actually looking forward to graduation. While I was before in the sense that I wouldn't have to go to school any more, now it's because I'm passionate about the future. Before, I just was sick of school but (frankly) terrified of what would come after. It gave me some bad anxiety this semester, but once I started making these decisions, the anxiety has gone away almost completely. I'm feeling really happy and really blessed.
I can't wait to see what my future holds.
As many of you know, I have been attending school for the last (almost) four years to become a biomedical engineer. I am on the final stretch! I have less than six months until I graduate (assuming I don't crash and burn...We're trying to avoid that). Anyway, for the first three years of my ASU career, the goal was to graduate, get a job in a big medical device company as a junior engineer, and start earning some money.
Then things started changing.
First, in August of 2017 I opened my massage business and then in March 2018, I took a leap of faith and got a physical location and started seriously building my business. This was supposed to be a side gig until I graduated, maybe pay my way through grad school as well. Little did I know it would prove to be the foundation of everything.
The thing is, I really like working in a small business as my own boss. I even like being other people's boss. I don't mind the responsibility and I like figuring out how to make things "go". From the beginning, I've loved going to work more than going to school, and it's not just that doing massages relaxes me. I even like doing the paperwork more than I like going to school. I'd rather do my business taxes than attend my thermodynamics course. This is something I noticed last spring, but I simply put the thought on the back burner and moved on with my life.
At the start of Fall semester, one of my engineering professors talked about this class called "MedTech Ventures" where you build a venture based on a medical device, including designing and building the device. It sounded a lot like my capstone course and I thought it would provide me with another great opportunity to design a medical device before graduation, thus increasing my chances of getting a good job. I signed up. And I fell in love--but not with the "medical device designing" part. No, I fell in love with the "building a venture" part.
Doing MedTech Ventures at the same time as I'm doing Capstone has been eye opening. Essentially, they're really similar. Come up with a medical device, design the device., figure out what it takes to sell the device. The focus is different though. In Capstone it's about the engineering and the business is a tool to help get the device created. In MedTech Ventures it's about building a venture and using engineering as a tool do create a successful business. As I've progressed through the year, I realized over and over again that I would rather be doing what I'm doing in MedTech Ventures than what I'm doing in Capstone.
Part of the appeal of MedTech Ventures is the role I get to play. See, in that "class" (it's more of a program), I get to play a unique role. I get to be the go-between for engineers and business people. From three and a half years of engineering school, I speak the engineering language. What I don't understand, I know how to learn, and I can quickly be caught up to speed. I also speak enough business between my own experience running a small business and the class that I can hold competent conversations with the business people as well. Best part? I can translate between the two. I can take what the business people want and word it in a way that the engineer understands the importance. I can also take what the engineer is saying and simplify it so that the business people can understand the essentials.
It turns out, there's a real position in companies that would allow me to be the translating-go-between for these departments. It's called "Product Manager". There's a lot more to it than that, but essentially I'd be working with the two departments, translating between the two, and making sure the product was developed in a timely manner. I'd also get to be the boss, which is appealing for me. When I found out about this position last fall, my brain starting going crazy, but I didn't significantly change my plans. I was still looking at getting a job in engineering this year.
The next twist that happened was I decided to go to grad school. I took the GRE and everything. My plan was to get a degree in biomedical engineering and open up more engineering options for me. This locked my brain back into engineering mode and I began pursuing that path.
Then the last few weeks happened. I don't have time here to talk about what all that entailed, but the essentials is I've had some major head-space shifts and I decided I didn't want to be an engineer. At all. Ever. I love being involved in the process of device creation. I really don't like being the one doing the detailed engineering work. Someone else can do that, please. This lead me back to what I've loved the most in the last year: being involved in building businesses/ventures.
So, here's where I'm at: I'm looking at two options for grad school. One, I get an MS in Innovation something or other. This option may not even be an option as the program was supposed to launch this fall, but it looks like they might delay it. The other is I get an MBA. Right now, I'm leaning toward the MBA option. I'm thinking of applying now, even though I'm just coming out of my undergrad, because the fact I'm a non traditional student might get me in anyway. Plus, how many of the undergrads can say they started and ran a successful business while going to school full time? If it doesn't work, my plans don't change significantly--it just puts the school piece on hold.
The rest of the short term plan is to get some experience in ventures, preferably MedTech and preferably in Product Management. I am not looking for a full time job as I plan on a) going to school, and b) keeping my massage business going. I actually believe that the MedTech Ventures program will open this door. I have some amazing connections now that I wouldn't have had without this program. If I get into an MBA program, I'll go to school while doing this, but do it part time. This will provide me with the skills, experience, and connections I need for future goals.
The long term plan is to be involved in the creation of MedTech businesses. I want to help build them from the ground up and then when they get big enough to garner attention, sell them off to the big companies and start fresh. If I'm not in an owner role (which I'm not necessarily opposed to), I do the same but don't sell it--just leave for a new venture when it's sold. There's going to be some failures in there. That's OK. I think failure can be a great tool. But there's also bound to be some successes.
My life is much less "sure" than it was a few weeks ago, but I'm way more excited and happy than I used to be as well. My sister commented that I seem lighter, like a weight has been taken off. It's true. I'm actually looking forward to graduation. While I was before in the sense that I wouldn't have to go to school any more, now it's because I'm passionate about the future. Before, I just was sick of school but (frankly) terrified of what would come after. It gave me some bad anxiety this semester, but once I started making these decisions, the anxiety has gone away almost completely. I'm feeling really happy and really blessed.
I can't wait to see what my future holds.
Monday, August 20, 2018
Healing
This post is going to be a little bit different than others I've posted. It's going to go into my beliefs. Please respect that these are my beliefs, even if you completely disagree. It's ok for you to disagree. That's the beauty of this world...we all get to believe whatever we feel is best.
This is a topic that I've thought about a lot lately: Healing. There are a multitude of reasons I've been thinking about healing. A couple posts on Facebook started me thinking about it and then spending the summer sick added another layer. I think I'm finally ready to delve into this topic. In order to do so, I need to explain a few of my beliefs.
1. I believe that the atonement of Jesus Christ has the power to heal all of us perfectly.
2. I don't believe God will heal all of us in this life, despite His ability to do so.
3. I believe that after we die, all of our physical ailments will go away with our bodies, but we will continue to exist as spirits.
4. I believe that the resurrection promised in the New Testament is a literal event that will occur. Some day all of our spirits will inhabit perfect, eternal bodies. This is
regardless of our actions in this life. It's universal to all children of God (meaning all humans).
5. I don't believe that God plans all of our suffering out, that not every trial is sent from Him. I think it's more like Him playing a giant chess game. He is the master chess player and can see what's coming down the line and allows certain things to happen in our lives for reasons that are incomprehensible to us most of the time. He knows the end game, but he doesn't cause all our suffering.
6. Being the ultimate chess master, God will bring things and people into our lives at opportune moments to help us through the difficult times.
So what does all of that have to do with healing? Well, this summer I saw two Facebook posts within days of each other that were polar opposites. One was a woman who insisted that all depression could be healed in this life. Another was a person who was afraid the depression would never end, even after we died we'd have to suffer forever. Both of these posts made me sad because I don't believe either of them are true and the idea that people will be hurt from these beliefs is hard.
I am a firm believer that God does not and will not heal all of us. I am a firm believer that some of us have our "cross" to bear. The Apostle Paul complained of an ailment that wouldn't go away. He was super amazing and literally saw Jesus, but he couldn't be healed. It was his cross to bear.
A few years ago I was miserable. My bipolar disorder seemed like a very, very heavy cross. I would have given anything for it to be taken away. Repeatedly I felt impressed that I would NOT have my bipolar disorder taken away. That I would be bipolar until the day I die. This means I will have depression episodes. This means I will have hypomanic episodes. I will probably also have anxiety and mixed episodes as well. This is my cross to bear.
Does that mean God has done and will do nothing for me?
Nope! Not even close.
Last year I was lead to the right doctor who was able to recognize where I was at and put me on a medicine that has helped me be mostly stable for over a year. That's the longest I've been mostly stable since I was a child. I consider this to be God
helping me and giving me temporary healing. As a clergy member once told me, medicine is a gift from God.
God has also brought people into my life who could help me in other ways.
My brother in law was my mentor and life coach last year. His efforts in my life helped me believe in myself and were a big reason I decided to do the Year of Happiness. I am a happier person because of his kindness. I grew so much under his tutelage and feel like I have skills to help myself that I would never have obtained (or at least not anytime soon) otherwise.
I also found the most perfect (for me) counselor in the world. I feel like I'm almost a different person than I was before I started working with her. I found her and went to her as a direct result of inspiration from God. I was NOT going to go to a counselor in my city. I wanted a counselor close to school so I could drop in without it messing with my school schedule. God shut doors left and right as I tried to find a counselor in the Valley. No one accepted my insurance or they didn't meet my needs. I was about ready to give up and went to my counselor as a last resort (it's not because she had a bad reputation or anything. I just knew her from another place and thought it would be awkward. Plus my husband went to her and I thought that might be awkward. But mostly she wasn't in the Valley like I was so sure I needed). God knew better than me and opened the doors for me to find my counselor. I have released things that were holding me back and healed in ways I didn't think were possible because of this woman who was sent from God.
On top of all of that, I've done a lot of inspired self-growth this last year. Though my own efforts to help myself, I have discovered things about me that help me be happier. A Year of Happiness is truly what this year has been and will continue to be.
So God has "healed" me, even though He hasn't healed me.
The good news is I know I have an end-date. I will not be bipolar for eternity. When I die, the physical component of it, the chemicals that mess with my head, will go away. I will be free from all the ailments of this world, including my bipolar disorder. Just because it's a "mental health" disorder, doesn't mean it's not physical. Chemicals are what treat it, after all. The idea of an end point is freeing. Very freeing. I don't know when I'll die and I have no desire to do it any time soon (see, I'm doing ok). But the day will come that I will die and when I do, my disorder will go away.
Now, this doesn't mean that everything is going to magically be perfect. When we die, we carry with us our personalities, our habits, and our behaviors. This means if I don't counter the lies that my brain tells me all the time, I might die and still feel like a failure at first. The chemicals will be gone, but my thoughts are still there.
The good news is two-fold.
First, we're granted a time to sort all of that out without our physical bodies getting in the way. It'll be like being on the best depression medicine. I'll still have the same thought patterns, but the chemicals won't be there to back up the thoughts. I can sort through things so much easier and actually figure out the truth.
Second, the atonement of Jesus Christ is big enough for all of this. All of it. When He heals us, which He will at some point before (or maybe during) our resurrection, it will ALL be made right. I don't know how it works, but I feel the truth of this strongly. All of our hurts and pains and sorrows will be healed. My soul aches for that day. I've had small tastes of it in my life and cannot wait to be inundated with that love and healing. We will spend eternity without these things holding us back. There will be peace.
God will heal all of us. I know it's true as much as I know anything is true. The atonement of Jesus Christ will take our pains and sorrows caused by mortality away and make us whole. While He won't remove the consequences of our actions, He will heal us from everything else. And if we repent, He'll heal us from our sins as well. He will balance everything out and make it right.
One of my favorite scriptures is found in the Book of Mormon. It says "I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul" (2 Nephi 33:6). I truly glory in MY Jesus. I'm grateful for Him and love Him. I cannot wait for the day I can see Him in the flesh and be healed.
~Beans
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
A Beautiful Messy Life
I'm sorry I haven't written for a while. Life has been really good and really bad all rolled up in one.
The bad: I have been dealing with a depression episode caused because I'm less stable, and if it can, my body defaults to depression. I'm working with my doctors on this. The issue is Latuda causes high prolactin levels in me, hyperprolactemia, or something like that. So I have to go on a medicine for that. The problem with this, is the medicine to treat the high prolactin levels also messes with my Latuda. So I'm less balanced. We're changing my meds for the high prolactin levels, and we upped my antidepressant to see if that would help. Good news? I'm not depressed right now. Bad news? I'm irritable a lot of the time. I hate being irritable. I get grumpy over some of the dumbest things. I've had to call myself out for being judgmental about things that are dumb. I'm not so over the top that I can't do that, thank goodness. I don't think I'm particularly irritable for most people. I'm just really irritable for me and I don't like it.
Also, I might be failing a class because of the depression episode early in the semester. If I do, it puts me behind a year. That's the joy of having a mental illness. Yippee?
The good: My life is on an upswing. I don't even know where to start. I made it to the final interview stage of a paid internship that is pretty prestigious. That was cool. I didn't do the interview because I discovered that where they want to put me isn't where I want to go. There's no way I would have turned them down without the other two pieces of my life that are going well. First, I was offered an internship at Barrow Neurological Institute in their spine lab this summer. This is unpaid, but super amazing. I will be getting a lot of good experience at a really prestigious institution. I'm thrilled by this. The other piece is my massage business is kicking off. I do more massages a week than I've done since I moved to Arizona. I'm feeling hopeful about the short term financial outlook for the first time in a long time. It's wonderful.
I haven't been working on my Year of Happiness as much as I thought I would, but I'm doing exactly what the project was intended to do: finding things in my life that bring me happiness on a day to day basis so I can be happy even through the hard times. My life is beautiful.
Don't worry, I haven't given up on the actual goals. I'm still going to work on it. I've knocked a few things off the list. I've tried a new food (Thai food). I've taught a massage class--actually a whole series of them. Those are the two that I think of off the top of my head, but I think I've done more. Anyway, I'm still going to work on it. I'm currently looking for an opportunity to give a talk about mental illness, particularly bipolar disorder. That's the next biggest thing I want to do. Also, I'm finding ways to write my book even when I can't write. I'll go into that some other time.
I'm so glad that I decided to do my Year of Happiness. Even though I'm not focusing on it all the time and I've not done some of the things I've said I'd do, it has made me look for the little things in my life that bring me happiness. My little tender mercies, so to speak. Even through my depression episode (which granted, could have been a lot worse) I was able to find things that make me happy. My whole attitude toward life has become more positive. Even when I'm irritable.
My life is beautiful. It's also incredibly messy. It's not exactly what I want, but it's better than I imagined. I truly have a beautiful messy life.
The bad: I have been dealing with a depression episode caused because I'm less stable, and if it can, my body defaults to depression. I'm working with my doctors on this. The issue is Latuda causes high prolactin levels in me, hyperprolactemia, or something like that. So I have to go on a medicine for that. The problem with this, is the medicine to treat the high prolactin levels also messes with my Latuda. So I'm less balanced. We're changing my meds for the high prolactin levels, and we upped my antidepressant to see if that would help. Good news? I'm not depressed right now. Bad news? I'm irritable a lot of the time. I hate being irritable. I get grumpy over some of the dumbest things. I've had to call myself out for being judgmental about things that are dumb. I'm not so over the top that I can't do that, thank goodness. I don't think I'm particularly irritable for most people. I'm just really irritable for me and I don't like it.
Also, I might be failing a class because of the depression episode early in the semester. If I do, it puts me behind a year. That's the joy of having a mental illness. Yippee?
The good: My life is on an upswing. I don't even know where to start. I made it to the final interview stage of a paid internship that is pretty prestigious. That was cool. I didn't do the interview because I discovered that where they want to put me isn't where I want to go. There's no way I would have turned them down without the other two pieces of my life that are going well. First, I was offered an internship at Barrow Neurological Institute in their spine lab this summer. This is unpaid, but super amazing. I will be getting a lot of good experience at a really prestigious institution. I'm thrilled by this. The other piece is my massage business is kicking off. I do more massages a week than I've done since I moved to Arizona. I'm feeling hopeful about the short term financial outlook for the first time in a long time. It's wonderful.
I haven't been working on my Year of Happiness as much as I thought I would, but I'm doing exactly what the project was intended to do: finding things in my life that bring me happiness on a day to day basis so I can be happy even through the hard times. My life is beautiful.
Don't worry, I haven't given up on the actual goals. I'm still going to work on it. I've knocked a few things off the list. I've tried a new food (Thai food). I've taught a massage class--actually a whole series of them. Those are the two that I think of off the top of my head, but I think I've done more. Anyway, I'm still going to work on it. I'm currently looking for an opportunity to give a talk about mental illness, particularly bipolar disorder. That's the next biggest thing I want to do. Also, I'm finding ways to write my book even when I can't write. I'll go into that some other time.
I'm so glad that I decided to do my Year of Happiness. Even though I'm not focusing on it all the time and I've not done some of the things I've said I'd do, it has made me look for the little things in my life that bring me happiness. My little tender mercies, so to speak. Even through my depression episode (which granted, could have been a lot worse) I was able to find things that make me happy. My whole attitude toward life has become more positive. Even when I'm irritable.
My life is beautiful. It's also incredibly messy. It's not exactly what I want, but it's better than I imagined. I truly have a beautiful messy life.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Friendship and Mental Illnesses
Today I've thought a lot about friendship, what it means, why friends are important, and whether or not I'm happy with my friendship situations. I've also thought about how mental illnesses affect friendships. It's been a day of introspection.
It started because of a situation at school.
We were divided into large groups where we were supposed to discuss the problems with the current methods of treating certain kinds of congenital heart defects. My group was supposed to discuss the imaging aspect of it. At first, we were in large groups and it was great. Not everyone was talking, but there were people talking and contributing and I felt fine. No one was excluding me, even though no one was paying particular attention to me either. It was comfortable. Then they had us divide into smaller groups. This is when it got rough for me.
The people to my right huddled together. They all knew each other and even though there were more of them than the allotted amount, they didn't care. They were friends and they were going to work together. The people across from me put their heads together. The people to the left of me grouped up. I was an island in the sea of groups. No one acknowledged me. No one seemed to notice that I didn't have a group. No one seemed to care that I existed.
If I were in great spot or a hypomanic spot, this would have been no big deal. I would have shrugged it off and forced my way into a group, whether they wanted me or not. Unfortunately, I'm not in a great spot. I'm in a funk. I'm mildly depressed, but not enough that I'd consider it a depression episode. It's not worth adjusting meds over, but I am seeing my counselor tomorrow. Anyway, I didn't have it in me to force my way into a group that possibly might not welcome the intrusion. So I worked alone. And I fought back tears the entire time and wondered what happened to get me, friendly Beans, into a situation where I felt completely unwelcome.
Now, if this was the first time something like this had happened since I started my major, I might still have been able to shrug it off. But it's not. I feel like an after thought for my peers. They either don't acknowledge me, or brush me off for their "friends". Most days, if I don't put myself out there, I don't talk to anyone at school. And I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm forcing my way into people's lives who clearly don't care if I'm in it. I have two and a half friends in my major (the half is a boyfriend of my friend, who pretty much only acknowledges me when he's with his girlfriend). Only one of those has potential to be more than just a school chum. Only one of those have I ever talked with about more than just school. She's great, by the way. I've known her for 5 months, so it's not a deep friendship, but it has potential. That one friendship makes school not seem like a dismal island of loneliness every day.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with anyone at school. Friendship making is a two way street and during my time at the university, I haven't put much into it. Mostly because I've been battling my mental health. I didn't have the energy to try and make friends when I could barely get out of bed or when my anxiety was overwhelming me to the point I could barely function. That's no one's fault. It's just how it is. This realization caused me to do some serious introspection.
The reality is I have lots of really good friends. Some I talk to regularly. Some I barely talk to at all. Some I've known for years. Others it's been a short time. But I know I'm loved. Evidence of this is a blanket sitting on my bed that a friend made for me over Winter Break. Even thinking about that blanket makes me smile and feel loved. I'm truly a blessed person.
Yet my mental illnesses have limited my friendships at times. I'd be a liar to say otherwise. This has been due to me not putting in enough effort and because other people don't know how to handle my mental illnesses. Here's two examples:
1-My efforts weren't enough:
After my mom was diagnosed with cancer and then after she died, I isolated myself. I was in a bad depression episode that was situational compounded with my mental illnesses. During this time, I made zero efforts to be anyone's friend. I was so locked up in my pain that I had nothing to give and I didn't want platitudes. Because I gave nothing back to people, I lost a lot of friends during that time, or the friendships were significantly weakened. I'm not going to say it was my fault, because that implies blame, and I don't blame myself. But there's no one else to blame either. I didn't reciprocate friendships and after a while, people stopped trying.
2-Other people don't know how to handle my mental illnesses:
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I pretty much immediately told people. I spent a large chunk of my life hiding things and it was a terrible time period. I never want to go back to that place, so I chose to not hide my mental illness. Some people didn't know how to handle this. No one outright unfriended me or anything, but many people distanced themselves from me. I think they didn't know how to respond. I think some of them were afraid of the disorder and didn't realize I'm the exact same person I was before the diagnosis; I just now have a name for my problems. Bipolar disorder is scary in today's society, though I feel like the stigma is lessening. I don't blame them. What you don't understand is scary and people don't understand bipolar disorder (this is one of the big reasons I started this blog).
Here's the thing: mental illnesses affect friendships. Similar (though not as drastic) things have happened during other depression episodes, where I've shut people out and it damages friendships. I've also watched people get physically uncomfortable when my mental illnesses come up in conversations. Even good friends sometimes don't know how to respond. They can't relate and it becomes awkward.
On the other hand, sometimes it's been good to have mental illnesses in terms of friendships. Some of the best friends I have bonded with me over our shared experiences fighting depression or anxiety or hypomania. Those friendships have been deep because we understand each other in a way most people don't get. It can be really nice.
Sadly, I think a lot of the time mental illnesses negatively impact friendships, such as my examples listed above (though those are just the start!)
Either way you look at it, friendships are not the same when you include mental illnesses in the picture. They just aren't.
In some ways, I'm a better friend because of my mental illnesses. I'm more understanding, more compassionate, less judgmental, and a better listener. In some ways, I'm a worse friend. I'm not always there for people when my disorders act up. I can't always do things with people when they want and sometimes have to cancel plans. If my depression is really bad, I may not pay much attention to people for a while.
I honestly don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with that. Maybe they are in a spot that they need a more consistent friend, and that's ok. I can't be everyone's friend. But I thank my lucky stars for the friends I have. Even if I don't talk to them often, I appreciate them. I cherish their friendships and look forward to the next interaction.
School may be a bit lonely sometimes, but life is not.
It started because of a situation at school.
We were divided into large groups where we were supposed to discuss the problems with the current methods of treating certain kinds of congenital heart defects. My group was supposed to discuss the imaging aspect of it. At first, we were in large groups and it was great. Not everyone was talking, but there were people talking and contributing and I felt fine. No one was excluding me, even though no one was paying particular attention to me either. It was comfortable. Then they had us divide into smaller groups. This is when it got rough for me.
The people to my right huddled together. They all knew each other and even though there were more of them than the allotted amount, they didn't care. They were friends and they were going to work together. The people across from me put their heads together. The people to the left of me grouped up. I was an island in the sea of groups. No one acknowledged me. No one seemed to notice that I didn't have a group. No one seemed to care that I existed.
If I were in great spot or a hypomanic spot, this would have been no big deal. I would have shrugged it off and forced my way into a group, whether they wanted me or not. Unfortunately, I'm not in a great spot. I'm in a funk. I'm mildly depressed, but not enough that I'd consider it a depression episode. It's not worth adjusting meds over, but I am seeing my counselor tomorrow. Anyway, I didn't have it in me to force my way into a group that possibly might not welcome the intrusion. So I worked alone. And I fought back tears the entire time and wondered what happened to get me, friendly Beans, into a situation where I felt completely unwelcome.
Now, if this was the first time something like this had happened since I started my major, I might still have been able to shrug it off. But it's not. I feel like an after thought for my peers. They either don't acknowledge me, or brush me off for their "friends". Most days, if I don't put myself out there, I don't talk to anyone at school. And I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm forcing my way into people's lives who clearly don't care if I'm in it. I have two and a half friends in my major (the half is a boyfriend of my friend, who pretty much only acknowledges me when he's with his girlfriend). Only one of those has potential to be more than just a school chum. Only one of those have I ever talked with about more than just school. She's great, by the way. I've known her for 5 months, so it's not a deep friendship, but it has potential. That one friendship makes school not seem like a dismal island of loneliness every day.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with anyone at school. Friendship making is a two way street and during my time at the university, I haven't put much into it. Mostly because I've been battling my mental health. I didn't have the energy to try and make friends when I could barely get out of bed or when my anxiety was overwhelming me to the point I could barely function. That's no one's fault. It's just how it is. This realization caused me to do some serious introspection.
The reality is I have lots of really good friends. Some I talk to regularly. Some I barely talk to at all. Some I've known for years. Others it's been a short time. But I know I'm loved. Evidence of this is a blanket sitting on my bed that a friend made for me over Winter Break. Even thinking about that blanket makes me smile and feel loved. I'm truly a blessed person.
Yet my mental illnesses have limited my friendships at times. I'd be a liar to say otherwise. This has been due to me not putting in enough effort and because other people don't know how to handle my mental illnesses. Here's two examples:
1-My efforts weren't enough:
After my mom was diagnosed with cancer and then after she died, I isolated myself. I was in a bad depression episode that was situational compounded with my mental illnesses. During this time, I made zero efforts to be anyone's friend. I was so locked up in my pain that I had nothing to give and I didn't want platitudes. Because I gave nothing back to people, I lost a lot of friends during that time, or the friendships were significantly weakened. I'm not going to say it was my fault, because that implies blame, and I don't blame myself. But there's no one else to blame either. I didn't reciprocate friendships and after a while, people stopped trying.
2-Other people don't know how to handle my mental illnesses:
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I pretty much immediately told people. I spent a large chunk of my life hiding things and it was a terrible time period. I never want to go back to that place, so I chose to not hide my mental illness. Some people didn't know how to handle this. No one outright unfriended me or anything, but many people distanced themselves from me. I think they didn't know how to respond. I think some of them were afraid of the disorder and didn't realize I'm the exact same person I was before the diagnosis; I just now have a name for my problems. Bipolar disorder is scary in today's society, though I feel like the stigma is lessening. I don't blame them. What you don't understand is scary and people don't understand bipolar disorder (this is one of the big reasons I started this blog).
Here's the thing: mental illnesses affect friendships. Similar (though not as drastic) things have happened during other depression episodes, where I've shut people out and it damages friendships. I've also watched people get physically uncomfortable when my mental illnesses come up in conversations. Even good friends sometimes don't know how to respond. They can't relate and it becomes awkward.
On the other hand, sometimes it's been good to have mental illnesses in terms of friendships. Some of the best friends I have bonded with me over our shared experiences fighting depression or anxiety or hypomania. Those friendships have been deep because we understand each other in a way most people don't get. It can be really nice.
Sadly, I think a lot of the time mental illnesses negatively impact friendships, such as my examples listed above (though those are just the start!)
Either way you look at it, friendships are not the same when you include mental illnesses in the picture. They just aren't.
In some ways, I'm a better friend because of my mental illnesses. I'm more understanding, more compassionate, less judgmental, and a better listener. In some ways, I'm a worse friend. I'm not always there for people when my disorders act up. I can't always do things with people when they want and sometimes have to cancel plans. If my depression is really bad, I may not pay much attention to people for a while.
I honestly don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with that. Maybe they are in a spot that they need a more consistent friend, and that's ok. I can't be everyone's friend. But I thank my lucky stars for the friends I have. Even if I don't talk to them often, I appreciate them. I cherish their friendships and look forward to the next interaction.
School may be a bit lonely sometimes, but life is not.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
A New Year: Episode 2018
It's New Year's Eve and for me, that means reflecting on the previous year and making plans for the new one. This year isn't like most years, however. I've already made a bunch of resolutions and changes in my life. My "New Year" started November 18 (see this post if you don't know what I'm talking about). So where does that leave me with the New Year?
I hadn't expected to make any grand changes in my life that I hadn't already implemented. Yet, upon further reflection, I realized I am making changes that I haven't told you guys about. I'd already decided to make some of these changes, but tonight, I realized the biggest change I can make is my attitude towards this. So that's my New Year's Resolution: A new attitude.
Right now you're probably wondering what in the world I'm talking about. What am I changing my attitude towards?
Only the most dreaded thing in my life: school.
Guys, I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed school. I used to, but I haven't since my first year at the university. Community college was enjoyable. It wasn't cake walk. I started my journey of changing meds while at community college and that was difficult. But I felt like I always came out on top. The last 2 years, however, I have felt like I'm drowning.
Part of the problem is I picked a ridiculously hard major. Biomedical Engineering is no joke.
Most of the problem is I have mental health disorders that make school a challenge.
I thought last semester would be different. My bipolar disorder has been in check. I'm balanced! Therefore, school should be easier like it was before, right? Err! Wrong! Last semester was terrible. My anxiety was through the roof. I was so lost in my own brain, so lost in my anxiety, that I thought I was failing a class that I got a B in. A solid B. Yes, I had to get an incomplete in order to not fail one class, but the rest of my grades were A's and B's. My cumulative GPA went up! But none of that mattered during the semester, because my anxiety was driving the car and it thought I was doing terrible.
I never want to have that much anxiety again. Never. I'd do almost anything to keep it away. I know I didn't write about it very much, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen or it wasn't real. Frankly, it sucked. Big time. Even remembering it makes me want to cry.
Hence the changes.
The big change is simple: I am not going to school full time next semester.
I realized I had 4 choices:
The goal is to only go 8 credits. I'm trying 8 because if I pass these specific classes, I might only slow down graduation by a semester if I go during the summers. However, if 8 is too much, I'll slow down even more. My sanity, my enjoyment of life, is worth that extra semester, or even an extra year. That's taken me weeks to actually believe it when I say that, but I believe it tonight. I am worth that year.
On top of that change, tonight I added a new factor: my attitude.
I'm going to approach school differently. I'm going to try to see the good in every class, to see how it can help me in the future rather than focusing on the pain of the now. I'm going to take every opportunity to learn, to grow, and to achieve great things. I'm going to learn to love school again.
I honestly don't think this change of attitude will be easy. I think it'll be very difficult. I'm going to have to rewrite my brain's approach to school completely. But I've done it before. I hated BME 282 when I took it the first time, but last semester it was my favorite class. It was the same course, same curriculum, same professor. The only thing that changed was my attitude. What I'm looking to do is apply the same process to school as a whole this time. If I can do it for BME 282, why can't I do it for all of school? It won't be easy, but the things in life that are worth my time are rarely easy.
I'm feeling hopeful, hopeful that this new year will bring me happiness in more ways than originally anticipated. I'm hoping I won't dread every minute of my university years. I'm hoping I can see beauty in that aspect of my life, just as I've found it in every other. It's a New Year, and at least in that regard, I'm hoping a new me.
Here's to change! Here's to Resolutions! And here's to a New Year!
Happy New Years Eve!
I hadn't expected to make any grand changes in my life that I hadn't already implemented. Yet, upon further reflection, I realized I am making changes that I haven't told you guys about. I'd already decided to make some of these changes, but tonight, I realized the biggest change I can make is my attitude towards this. So that's my New Year's Resolution: A new attitude.
Right now you're probably wondering what in the world I'm talking about. What am I changing my attitude towards?
Only the most dreaded thing in my life: school.
Guys, I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed school. I used to, but I haven't since my first year at the university. Community college was enjoyable. It wasn't cake walk. I started my journey of changing meds while at community college and that was difficult. But I felt like I always came out on top. The last 2 years, however, I have felt like I'm drowning.
Part of the problem is I picked a ridiculously hard major. Biomedical Engineering is no joke.
Most of the problem is I have mental health disorders that make school a challenge.
I thought last semester would be different. My bipolar disorder has been in check. I'm balanced! Therefore, school should be easier like it was before, right? Err! Wrong! Last semester was terrible. My anxiety was through the roof. I was so lost in my own brain, so lost in my anxiety, that I thought I was failing a class that I got a B in. A solid B. Yes, I had to get an incomplete in order to not fail one class, but the rest of my grades were A's and B's. My cumulative GPA went up! But none of that mattered during the semester, because my anxiety was driving the car and it thought I was doing terrible.
I never want to have that much anxiety again. Never. I'd do almost anything to keep it away. I know I didn't write about it very much, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen or it wasn't real. Frankly, it sucked. Big time. Even remembering it makes me want to cry.
Hence the changes.
The big change is simple: I am not going to school full time next semester.
I realized I had 4 choices:
- Drop out of school again
- Change my major
- Allow anxiety to rule my life
- Ease my schedule by going part time
The goal is to only go 8 credits. I'm trying 8 because if I pass these specific classes, I might only slow down graduation by a semester if I go during the summers. However, if 8 is too much, I'll slow down even more. My sanity, my enjoyment of life, is worth that extra semester, or even an extra year. That's taken me weeks to actually believe it when I say that, but I believe it tonight. I am worth that year.
On top of that change, tonight I added a new factor: my attitude.
I'm going to approach school differently. I'm going to try to see the good in every class, to see how it can help me in the future rather than focusing on the pain of the now. I'm going to take every opportunity to learn, to grow, and to achieve great things. I'm going to learn to love school again.
I honestly don't think this change of attitude will be easy. I think it'll be very difficult. I'm going to have to rewrite my brain's approach to school completely. But I've done it before. I hated BME 282 when I took it the first time, but last semester it was my favorite class. It was the same course, same curriculum, same professor. The only thing that changed was my attitude. What I'm looking to do is apply the same process to school as a whole this time. If I can do it for BME 282, why can't I do it for all of school? It won't be easy, but the things in life that are worth my time are rarely easy.
I'm feeling hopeful, hopeful that this new year will bring me happiness in more ways than originally anticipated. I'm hoping I won't dread every minute of my university years. I'm hoping I can see beauty in that aspect of my life, just as I've found it in every other. It's a New Year, and at least in that regard, I'm hoping a new me.
Here's to change! Here's to Resolutions! And here's to a New Year!
Happy New Years Eve!
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