The topic for today's post is psychosis. I'm going to use Healthline's page about psychosis as my base for this post. It seems fairly comprehensive while still being easy to follow. If you want more info than I provide, feel free to look here: http://www.healthline.com/health/psychosis.
According to Healthline, "Psychosis is a serious mental disorder characterized by thinking and emotions that are so impaired, that they indicate that the person experiencing them has lost contact with reality. People who are psychotic have false thoughts (delusions) and/or see or hear things that are not there (hallucinations)." It goes on to define delusions as "a false belief or impression that is firmly held even though it is contradicted by reality and what is commonly held as true." Of particular importance to this post are grandiose delusions and paranoid delusions. Hallucinations are defined as "a sensory perception in the absence of outside stimulus. That means seeing, hearing, feeling, or smelling something that isn't present".
So why do you care? Only schizophrenics experience psychosis, right? I'm not schizophrenic. Wrong to the first part, right to the second. I'm bipolar. One of the lesser known pieces of bipolar disorder that isn't often talked about is the potential for psychosis. It can occur in either the depressive end or the manic end. Some people experience it every time they are high or every time they are low. Some people only have it happen once or twice. Some people with bipolar disorder never experience it.
Up until yesterday night I would have told anyone who asked that I'm one of the lucky ones who never experienced it. That would have been a lie, but I would have said it anyway, because I didn't want to admit even to myself that I've crossed the border to actual "crazy". Psychosis seems about as crazy as you can get--losing touch with reality. I didn't want to put that label on myself. But I have lost touch with reality. And it was as scary as hell.
If I experienced psychosis, why has it taken me nine years to admit it? Was I just afraid to admit it to myself? Partially, but the other half is it involves a "spiritual" experience that up until recently I would have sworn was a legit spiritual experience. Let me clarify: I am a religious person. I always have been and don't see that going away any time soon. I believe God sometimes does send impressions and thoughts into our minds to guide us and direct us. I've had experiences where I've very clearly felt inspired to do something that has turned out to be the best possible thing. I believe this was God inspiring my heart. So when I had a "spiritual" experience that was very clear in my mind, I just chalked it up to revelation from God. But it wasn't. I will stand before anyone today and say that my "spiritual" experience of that night back in 2007 was not a real spiritual experience. It was my brain taking a break from reality.
It started as a murmur of voices in my mind, so many that it felt like static. I had to tune them in and then they all stopped. Then God and his angels started discussing my life and I got to be part of the audience. It was an amazing hour or so. Maybe not even that long. It was fantastic though. I don't remember what was said exactly. I do remember that I was destined for absolute greatness. I was a pivotal part of God's plan for the Earth.
How do I know it wasn't real? If I believe God can communicate with His children that way, how do I know this wasn't? There are several facts that stand out to me now.
1. I was in a high mood state at that time of my life. It was probably the happiest time in my entire life. I was high! A symptom of hypomania (or even mania). Everything was going my way and I was a bit beyond happy.
2. I was also experiencing paranoia. The government was spying on me, or was going to spy on me.
3. I had other minor breaks with reality. On multiple occasions, I felt very strongly that someone I loved had died. I was on an exchange in Germany at the time and I honestly believed that a friend had been killed in Afghanistan and a leader in my church had died on two separate occasions and that the only reason I hadn't been told was because I was far from home. I started checking the names of soldiers who died because I knew my friends name would appear on it. No one died while I was gone. It was a break with reality. There were other small examples too, but I think those are best.
4. I had some delusions of grandeur at the time. When the government wasn't already spying on me in my mind, they were going to backtrack my life at a later point to check me out because I was that important.
5. Maybe the most important. Remember those glorious things that were supposed to happen in my life? It's been nine years and only one of them has happened: I got married to an amazing man (something that happens to many people by my age). But some of the things were on a time schedule and they haven't happened.
Add those five major and several other minor things (that I'm not going into tonight) together and you can see that my head was not in a clear spot. At the very least I was hypomanic. I might have been in a full mania, but I've never talked with a doctor about it, so I don't know. The point is, my crazy awesome spiritual experience was nothing more than another facet of my then broken mind.
Back then I knew something was wrong, mostly because of the paranoia and belief that people were dying. I even emailed a friend (remember, I was thousands of miles from my family and friends) asking them if they thought I was sane. They, not knowing everything and frankly not being qualified to diagnose me said I was fine. So I trusted them. Because I didn't know what else to do. It's taken 9 years for me to be in a spot where I can say I lost contact with reality. And today I can say I'm ok with that.
There have been multiple times since then where I've had minor breaks with reality--minor delusions and minor beliefs in my greatness, etc. But that was the most dazzling. I'm lucky, frankly, that my hallucinations and delusions are minor. Even my crazy night in 2007 was minor compared to what many people experience. I wish it never happened. It caused many years of confusion and even doubt in my beliefs. I knew something was off about that time period in my life, but the delusions and hallucinations became wrapped up in my testimony of God and personal revelation that I couldn't distinguish what was real revelation and what was my disorder talking. It's taken almost 4 years after my diagnosis to separate most of it out, and there might still be things mixed up. But it doesn't matter now. I have a simple rule of thumb going forward: God will always reinforce his promptings as many times as we need to hear them. Delusions and hallucinations go away after my brain calms down. And now I have my husband as a bouncing board. There have been several times I've been "prompted" to do something and my dh has told me, um, no. And he's been right. After my brain has calmed down, I can logically process why it wasn't a good idea.
It sucks not being able to always trust your brain. Psychosis is a nasty pill that I would love if I never took again. Ideally the medication that is treating me so well right now, the one that has me balanced and normal-happy, will keep on working and I won't have to face it. The reality is medications stop working after a while and I may face the beast yet again. And that's ok. Because I know what it is now which takes away most of its bite.
