Being Manic is Like Being Drunk

I have spent the last several weeks really depressed. It was the worst last Saturday. I had to reach out to friends and family, begging them to help me because it felt like way more than I could handle on my own.

Today, I feel really happy and I have so much energy. I should be glad, but this scares the crap out of me.

Why? Because today I feel hypomanic.

See, when someone enters the land of mania, it's like getting drunk. The more manic you get, the more "drunk" you are. I am only ever hypomanic--so I'm never wasted--just mildly drunk. The biggest differences I see is that: 1. you don't wake up from mania thinking "I don't remember anything". Unfortunately, you get to remember ALL your mistakes. And 2. you don't get slowed down--mania gives you a lot of energy. So you're a drunk who's also on speed.

Just like there are happy drunks and irritable drunks, some people who get hypomanic get happy and others get irritable. I'm lucky that I get happy, but that doesn't make everything better

When people get drunk, their inhibition control starts to taper off. This also happens when you become manic. The top 4 destructive behaviors people do when they're manic that they can normally control otherwise are 1. Spend too much money. 2. Drink too much (ironic since they're practically drunk anyway). 3. Do drugs (also ironic since it's possible when in a true mania to behave and feel like you're totally high). 4. Be promiscuous.

Because I only exhibit the first behavior, my first psychiatrist didn't believe I'm bipolar. Not kidding. There's various reasons I don't do the last 3, but I can promise you that despite that, I'm definitely bipolar. I've been to 5 psychiatrists, 2 therapists, and psychologist since who all agree that I'm bipolar. If you want to know why I don't drink, do drugs, or have sex willy-nilly when hypomanic, that's a conversation for another day.

One risky behavior that I DO participate in is driving irrationally or irresponsibly. I hate when I have to drive far when I'm hypomanic because my brain says I should do a lot of stupid stuff. I have found myself driving over 90 in a 65 mph zone and heavy traffic with the NEED to go even faster, just for the rush. I can't explain it well. It's like every fiber in your being says to go faster and you have this one sliver of rational thought saying "uh, guys...this is a bad idea...". I have also had strong urges to weave all over the road because it sounds like fun. Luckily I was in enough control that I was able to withstand both of those. Barely.

The only reason my crazy behaviors aren't worse is because I'm bipolar II: I only have to deal with hypomania. When you're full on manic, it's like you're totally wasted. That voice that says "this is a terrible idea" doesn't exist. I've gotten close to crossing that line before--where I feel like I'm only hanging onto control by a thread. I'm not foolish enough to believe it's because I have some great self control that I haven't done stupider things. It's honestly just because my mania's aren't as severe. I don't judge ANYONE who has done stupid shit while manic. Imagine it: you're completely drunk to the point that you have lost your self control and you did nothing to get yourself here. It's normally not something you can choose to avoid. "Gee, I don't want to be manic today, thank you. I'm going to avoid _____.” There are things that can trigger it, but you can be triggered for absolutely no reason besides today is a Tuesday after a full moon and the sun is shining.

Like being drunk, there's always a price to pay after. After a night of heavy drinking, you get a hangover. After a manic episode, there's a crash. Just as different people experience hangovers to different levels, people crash to different levels as well. Some people it's super mild and they're able to return to normal fast. Others experience debilitating depression immediately following the high. I'm one of the latter. The higher I get, the lower I'll crash and the harder it'll hit. I've had mild manias that result in mild crashes, but if the hypomanic episode lasts more than a few days or is one that's on the verge of losing control, I'm going to be depressed for a while. The only time I got truly suicidal--like created a plan and was close to acting (I get the "I want to die" feelings often enough I don't count those)--was during a crash following a hypomanic episode. The crashes scare me so much that I can't enjoy the high. If you almost died from a hangover, would you ever drink again? Probably not, or at least you'd be super careful about it. Except I can't control the fact that I'm now drunk and will have a hangover. I can't control how "drunk" I get or how bad the crash will be. All I can do is make sure my lifelines are all lined up so if it's a bad one, I will be able to get the help I need.

You know how as you age, your tolerance for alcohol gets worse? Well, for some of us who are bipolar, as we age, our manias get worse. I think I fall into this category. When I was younger, my manias were mild and my crashes weren't too bad either. The more manic episodes I experience, the harder it is to control myself and the harder it is to rebound after. This scares me every time I start to get hypomanic. Many people who start as bipolar II end up as bipolar I eventually. The only difference is the level of mania. So every time I get manic, I wonder "will this be the time I enter a true mania? Will I completely lose control this time?" Picture this kind of crazy world: If you have one swig of alcohol, but it's like Russian Roulette. You might end up a little tipsy or you might end up running in the park naked wasted and you have no idea which it's going to be until after you've had the alcohol. Now imagine you don't even have to drink alcohol to have that effect. It's scary as hell.

The comparison to being on drugs and drunk at the same time makes even more sense the more manic you get. Things that people who experience full mania also sometimes experience? Paranoia. Psychotic breaks. Not sleeping for days. Grandiosity to the point they think they're deity--or have some special relationship with deity. It's no joke.

Some people who get manic LOVE getting manic. I don't blame them. Some people who get drunk LOVE getting drunk. The joy they feel in the moment outweighs the negatives for them. Sometimes I wish I were one of those people. Instead, I'm one of the people who feels like getting drunk isn't worth it. Yeah, I like being happy, but I also really like not doing stupid stuff and almost getting myself killed. I also really like being NORMALLY happy--the real kind--the kind that doesn't lead to crashes and near suicide attempts. Call me crazy, but I really like my life. I also like knowing I'm happy because of life, not because the chemicals in my brain are out of whack. I like being happy because the world is a beautiful place, not because I somehow didn't get enough sleep for a few days and now my body thinks that I should be hypomanic.

Mostly, I like being in control. I spent about 11 years of my life feeling completely out of control and having no idea why. Medicine has given me some level of control and at least now I know why my moods aren't something I can just change willy-nilly, but if I could trade away my bipolar, manias and all, I'd do it in a heartbeat just so I could be in control. I would gladly give up this extra level of happy forever if I could wake up every day with a pretty good idea of what kind of day I'm going to have. Or if I could be one of those people who could just choose what mood I'm going to have. I've tried. I can't. If I could, I wouldn't be manic right now.

Long story short, being manic is like being drunk--except you didn't choose to become drunk in the first place. For some people, it's worth it. For me, it's not.