Thoughts About Jean Shopping

This post isn't a bipolar post. Well, mostly it isn't. Today's post is primarily a girl post. My bipolar journey plays a little bit into the post, but not much, so read on only if you're interested in girl-things.

Today I accomplished a major feat. I went jean shopping by myself and succeeded. For guys, going jean shopping isn't that big of a deal. While different brands have slight variations, most jeans look good on most guys and sizing is fairly consistent. With girls, there's nothing consistent or easy about jean shopping. Every brand is completely different, often with major differences between the different cuts even by the same brand. And then there's the sizing issues (which I'll get into more later).

Of course, being a girl, the biggest concern is "how does my butt look in these?" Not kidding there. We all want to have a defined, but not too defined butt. We don't want it to be too accentuated, but a little attention wouldn't be bad. As long as we don't have a saggy-butt problem or too perky butt. The reality is jeans make or break how your butt looks and it's REALLY hard to see your own butt. This is the biggest reason you need a friend or someone to go jean shopping with you. You need them to stare at your butt and tell you whether or not your butt looks good in those jeans. Taking pictures and sending them to someone else doesn't work very well, at least I haven't mastered the art of the butt-selfie (yes, I've tried). I'm perfectly fine shopping by myself 90% of the time, except when I go jean shopping.

Except today.

See, today I had a rough morning. I drove all the way to school only to get to class and not have the TA that was supposed to lead the section show up. I was grumpy. Really grumpy. I'm not one of those students who lives on campus. I live in a city about an hour away and between parking, walking, and taking the train (cheaper than on-campus parking), it takes me an hour and a half to get to school. An hour and a half there and an hour and a half home for a class where I sat waiting for 30 minutes for nothing. I admit it, I'm still a little grumpy. It was an utter waste of almost four hours. I needed something positive to do so I decided to go shopping. Jean shopping.

I don't know why I thought jean shopping was a good idea. I guess I didn't really think about it. My only pair of jeans that fit just developed a hole, and not a cute hole that might look like it's supposed to be there. A big gaping hole that showed off my underwear. Since we don't have a lot of money, I figured I'd allow myself the joy of shopping (I like it), but I'd buy what I need. New jeans. And the first store I went to wasn't too bad. I only looked on the sale racks and there were only a few pairs of jeans in my size, but one of them fit and to the best of my vision, my butt looked okay in them. Not super sexy, but right now, I'm overweight. I'm not going to have that cute perky butt that I have when I'm 2-3 sizes smaller.

Maybe I should have left well enough alone. Maybe I should have accepted that the jean-gods had smiled on me once today and that was all I was going to get, but I don't know when to quit. I went to another store to try and find jeans in my size again. Problem with jean shopping right now: skinny jeans are in. I look horrible in skinny jeans. Even though I was at a bigger store than the first one, the selection was worse, at least worse for someone who doesn't look good in skinny jeans. There were no jeans that fit me well. So I went to another store. This is where the depression hit.

Here's the thing to remember: there is no standard sizes for women's jeans. A 12 in one brand is not necessarily the same as a 12 in another brand. Each brand, and sometimes each cut in each brand has it's own stupid sizing rules. I bought a 14 at the first store I went to so I figured I'd be a 14 at this new store. Wrong. Not only were all of the 14s too small, the pair I grabbed that looked super cute but said 17 was too small. Part of me felt like crying. I know I'm a little bit overweight (for my body type), but am I really that big? It's a good thing I had the success as store 1 or I might have been a lot more devastated by the size 17 debacle. As is, I tried hard to be logical. "It's a flaw of the clothing industry, not a flaw with your gorgeous body". Ok, I didn't say that. Or even think it. I just wish I had.

Two stores later I finally found them. The jeans that fit. Snug enough that they're not going to fall down without a belt. My butt seemed a normal size (not too big). It didn't seem saggy or too perky or too defined. They weren't the perfect butt pants--whatever those are--but they seemed to look good to the best of my view. I still wish I'd had a friend to stare at my butt and agree or disagree with my judgement, but I think I did alright. It only took me four stores, but I found jeans that I feel cute in. Maybe the jeans-gods had pity on me after the fourth store of the night. However it worked, I now own another pair of jeans. And the best part is I only paid $13.00 for them.

The bipolar/really girly part: I am an incredibly blessed and lucky person right now. I am balanced and in a healthy mindset. Having to go to 5 stores to find 2 pairs of jeans didn't phase me. If I weren't balanced right now, I think I would have given up and quit before I found that second pair of jeans. That size 17 pair of jeans only threw me for a little loop. I was able to return to my logical thoughts and say "this brand has a problem" instead of saying "I'm sooo fat!" I'm mentally healthy enough that I can say I'm beautiful, even if I'm wearing bigger jeans than I've ever worn in my life. It's taken me years of work to get to this point, but I have finally done it. Does that mean I'm not going to try and lose weight? Nope. I'm going to sign up for a health challenge and try to get healthy, but that's my focus, improving my health, not shrinking my waist.

Most women know how hard it is to have such a positive outlook about their body, even if they are in a healthy place. Society has such high standards for beauty that it's easy for us to say, "well, I don't look like Jennifer Lawrence (or insert celebrity of choice), therefore I'm not good enough." That's all a bunch of bogus. You are beautiful exactly the way you are. That doesn't mean you can't try to improve yourself, but it means that your goals for beauty shouldn't ever make you feel bad about how you are right now. Much easier said than done. I'm living proof that it's possible. Will I always be this positive? I highly doubt it. My moods most likely won't stay balanced forever. Heck, all it might take is one period to throw me off. But right now, I'm in a good spot.

And that's worth celebrating.

A New Year, Goals and Plans

Happy New Year everyone! I hope your 2016 is as fabulous as my 2015 was. Actually, scratch that. I hope your new year is as fabulous as I feel right now. See, I'm a positive person who tends to see things through a positive filter. I've had a rough year in many respects, but as I look back on the year, what I keep focusing on is the good things. New friends. Finally finding a medicine that balances me out. A bed bug free apartment (that was a nightmare). Visiting with family twice this year. Good grades at my first semester back at a university. It makes me happy to think of all the wonderful things that have happened this year. Yes, they were mixed in with a lot of bad things, but that's just how life works. When I'm balanced I get to choose how I view things and I like life better when I choose to focus on the good. I can only hope that next year finds me as balanced as I am right now so that I can choose to focus on the good in 2016 as well.

I'm really looking forward to this new year. It's a year that offers me a lot of challenges but it's starting off on the right track. It's starting with me balanced and with goals. Making goals and plans always helps me feel better. I don't know what it is about it, but I love making new goals. Maybe it's the fact that they challenge me. I like challenges (as long as they're not impossible). I like the satisfaction of achieving my goals. 

Goals for 2016: 

• Participate in a book challenge. I'm doing it with my friend. If I remember right, there are 50 categories. I kind of cheated and started at Christmas, but I plan on finishing by Christmas 2016 so it's a 1 year challenge, even if I stared it early. I just had time to kill and felt like reading. I'm 3 books in and looking forward to the next 47!

• Improving my piano skills. I'm hoping to get piano lessons to aid me on this journey, but even if it just involves me plunking out songs on my keyboard, I'll get better. The goal is to practice at least 5 times a week.

• Get healthier. I'm going to do this by participating in a health challenge. My goal is to eat more vegetables and fruit, limit my sugar, and start walking regularly. Nothing to drastic, just small changes that will make a big difference.

• Last but definitely not least I want to work on my spirituality. I'm a religious person and I want to draw closer to my God. I'm not going to go into this goal as much because it's very personal to me. 

As I look at this year, I can't help but look further down the road as well. Last summer I was telling anyone who'd listen about my 5 year plan, to the point that I had a friend buy me a cup with the words on it (pictured here). 

My 5 year plan is a bit more complicated but just as important as my 2016 goals.

• I want to be done with school. At least have my bachelor's degree under my belt. Maybe even my masters. I might do the 4 & 1 program offered by my university where I finish my bachelor's in 4 and my masters in 1 (because I double dip my senior classes with master's level courses). If I don't do that, I might not get my masters degree within 5 years, but I will definitely have my bachelors.

• Get a real job. I want to be working for a company that I plan on staying at for years. It needs to have a decent salary, which shouldn't be a problem considering my career choice. 

• Move into somewhere a little bigger. Last summer my goal was to be in a house within 5 years. Now I think I'd rather stay somewhere smaller until we've paid of my student loans and then worry about moving into a house. 

• Start my family. Right now we're not in a place to have kids. Within 5 years, that should change.

I hope to remain balanced during this time, but I'm realistic. There's a good chance I'll experience at least one depression or hypomanic episode in the next 5 years. It's life being bipolar. Medication only does so much. That's why I'm so grateful to be balanced right now. You never know how long it will last. 

Life is going to bring it's fair share of challenges as well as the good things. My five year plan has already changed some since this summer, it'll probably change again. That's just how life works. But I have a direction to head and that gives me a sense of confidence. I'm entering this new year with hope and happiness. Really, what more could I ask for right now?