Saved by Medication

I had a realization today: If I weren't on a medication that kept my moods mostly in check, I would be swinging wildly out of balance right now.

I can see the pattern: the other day, I was in a great space. It wasn't hypomanic--my meds kept me out of that level--but it was great. Then 2 days later, I'm pretty depressed and honestly wishing I could go to sleep and wake up maybe never. Not actually suicidal as I don't really want to die, but I'm so tired of life. (And yes, I logically know that I have NO reason to be tired of life. It's a feature of my disorder, nothing more nothing less.) But the pattern is clear--high to low.

That's my typical mood shifting pattern. High to low. Except because of my medication, the high wasn't high enough to cause any issues and the low wasn't bad enough to really be concerning. It's uncomfortable, but not concerning. (If you don't have depression/have never dealt with it, or it isn't a chronic issue with you, I could see you thinking me wanting to go to sleep and not wake up as a concerning factor, but honestly it's a pretty benign version. There was no active push to hurt myself in any way shape or form. I was in no way a danger to myself. I just wanted to sleep. That's a "I need to watch this" situation, not a "I need help now" situation.)

This realization made me appreciate my medication again. Sometimes I hate the fact that I have to take medication to live a normal life, but you know what? That's the wrong attitude. Here's the reality: I am so very blessed that I have a medication that helps me live a normal life! Because I'm a disaster off of medication. None of what I've accomplished since 2012 would have been possible without medication. I was a high school and college drop out who felt like a failure. I was a good massage therapist who couldn't be consistent with my clients because my moods were all over the place. The world was scary because I never knew what tomorrow would bring. The journey to finding the right med wasn't easy. Oh man, it wasn't easy. I read through a list of typical bipolar medications today and counted the ones I've been on. Assuming all the meds I've been on were on that list, I've been on at least 7 different bipolar meds, not including the different antidepressants, just to get me where I'm at today.

In March of 2017, I finally found my magical medicine. My psychiatrist put me on Latuda and I've been on it since. In just under 3 years, I've only had a handful of hypomanic episodes and none of them were serious or concerning. I've had a lot less depression episodes as well, though like most mood stabilizers, Latuda stabilize me into a mild depression (why I've also been on a lot of antidepressants). My life is stressful and hectic and I'm managing. I'm not doing great every day, but I'm managing at a higher capacity than anyone else I know with bipolar disorder as severe as mine. When I look at where my life has been and where my life could be, I thank my lucky stars that I have medication.

Which made me realize that it's time to admit defeat and go back to my psychiatrist. I'm too depressed to not be on an antidepressant right now. But again, that's the wrong attitude. I have an amazing psychiatrist who will listen to me and put me on a medication to help with my depression. She knows which ones have worked for me in the past and which ones are likely to help with the upcoming situations I'm facing. She'll help me find the best way to manage this symptom. While this level of depression is not concerning, it is uncomfortable, and why should I live in a constant state of being uncomfortable when there's something I can do about it? So I'm calling my doctor tomorrow.

Even if I couldn't get on an antidepressant right now, I'd still be grateful for what I have. I am running my own business, writing a novel, and helping build a start-up right now. I couldn't have done that before finding Latuda, so today, I'm going to be grateful for my little white pill that I take just before bed.

Being Manic is Like Being Drunk

I have spent the last several weeks really depressed. It was the worst last Saturday. I had to reach out to friends and family, begging them to help me because it felt like way more than I could handle on my own.

Today, I feel really happy and I have so much energy. I should be glad, but this scares the crap out of me.

Why? Because today I feel hypomanic.

See, when someone enters the land of mania, it's like getting drunk. The more manic you get, the more "drunk" you are. I am only ever hypomanic--so I'm never wasted--just mildly drunk. The biggest differences I see is that: 1. you don't wake up from mania thinking "I don't remember anything". Unfortunately, you get to remember ALL your mistakes. And 2. you don't get slowed down--mania gives you a lot of energy. So you're a drunk who's also on speed.

Just like there are happy drunks and irritable drunks, some people who get hypomanic get happy and others get irritable. I'm lucky that I get happy, but that doesn't make everything better

When people get drunk, their inhibition control starts to taper off. This also happens when you become manic. The top 4 destructive behaviors people do when they're manic that they can normally control otherwise are 1. Spend too much money. 2. Drink too much (ironic since they're practically drunk anyway). 3. Do drugs (also ironic since it's possible when in a true mania to behave and feel like you're totally high). 4. Be promiscuous.

Because I only exhibit the first behavior, my first psychiatrist didn't believe I'm bipolar. Not kidding. There's various reasons I don't do the last 3, but I can promise you that despite that, I'm definitely bipolar. I've been to 5 psychiatrists, 2 therapists, and psychologist since who all agree that I'm bipolar. If you want to know why I don't drink, do drugs, or have sex willy-nilly when hypomanic, that's a conversation for another day.

One risky behavior that I DO participate in is driving irrationally or irresponsibly. I hate when I have to drive far when I'm hypomanic because my brain says I should do a lot of stupid stuff. I have found myself driving over 90 in a 65 mph zone and heavy traffic with the NEED to go even faster, just for the rush. I can't explain it well. It's like every fiber in your being says to go faster and you have this one sliver of rational thought saying "uh, guys...this is a bad idea...". I have also had strong urges to weave all over the road because it sounds like fun. Luckily I was in enough control that I was able to withstand both of those. Barely.

The only reason my crazy behaviors aren't worse is because I'm bipolar II: I only have to deal with hypomania. When you're full on manic, it's like you're totally wasted. That voice that says "this is a terrible idea" doesn't exist. I've gotten close to crossing that line before--where I feel like I'm only hanging onto control by a thread. I'm not foolish enough to believe it's because I have some great self control that I haven't done stupider things. It's honestly just because my mania's aren't as severe. I don't judge ANYONE who has done stupid shit while manic. Imagine it: you're completely drunk to the point that you have lost your self control and you did nothing to get yourself here. It's normally not something you can choose to avoid. "Gee, I don't want to be manic today, thank you. I'm going to avoid _____.” There are things that can trigger it, but you can be triggered for absolutely no reason besides today is a Tuesday after a full moon and the sun is shining.

Like being drunk, there's always a price to pay after. After a night of heavy drinking, you get a hangover. After a manic episode, there's a crash. Just as different people experience hangovers to different levels, people crash to different levels as well. Some people it's super mild and they're able to return to normal fast. Others experience debilitating depression immediately following the high. I'm one of the latter. The higher I get, the lower I'll crash and the harder it'll hit. I've had mild manias that result in mild crashes, but if the hypomanic episode lasts more than a few days or is one that's on the verge of losing control, I'm going to be depressed for a while. The only time I got truly suicidal--like created a plan and was close to acting (I get the "I want to die" feelings often enough I don't count those)--was during a crash following a hypomanic episode. The crashes scare me so much that I can't enjoy the high. If you almost died from a hangover, would you ever drink again? Probably not, or at least you'd be super careful about it. Except I can't control the fact that I'm now drunk and will have a hangover. I can't control how "drunk" I get or how bad the crash will be. All I can do is make sure my lifelines are all lined up so if it's a bad one, I will be able to get the help I need.

You know how as you age, your tolerance for alcohol gets worse? Well, for some of us who are bipolar, as we age, our manias get worse. I think I fall into this category. When I was younger, my manias were mild and my crashes weren't too bad either. The more manic episodes I experience, the harder it is to control myself and the harder it is to rebound after. This scares me every time I start to get hypomanic. Many people who start as bipolar II end up as bipolar I eventually. The only difference is the level of mania. So every time I get manic, I wonder "will this be the time I enter a true mania? Will I completely lose control this time?" Picture this kind of crazy world: If you have one swig of alcohol, but it's like Russian Roulette. You might end up a little tipsy or you might end up running in the park naked wasted and you have no idea which it's going to be until after you've had the alcohol. Now imagine you don't even have to drink alcohol to have that effect. It's scary as hell.

The comparison to being on drugs and drunk at the same time makes even more sense the more manic you get. Things that people who experience full mania also sometimes experience? Paranoia. Psychotic breaks. Not sleeping for days. Grandiosity to the point they think they're deity--or have some special relationship with deity. It's no joke.

Some people who get manic LOVE getting manic. I don't blame them. Some people who get drunk LOVE getting drunk. The joy they feel in the moment outweighs the negatives for them. Sometimes I wish I were one of those people. Instead, I'm one of the people who feels like getting drunk isn't worth it. Yeah, I like being happy, but I also really like not doing stupid stuff and almost getting myself killed. I also really like being NORMALLY happy--the real kind--the kind that doesn't lead to crashes and near suicide attempts. Call me crazy, but I really like my life. I also like knowing I'm happy because of life, not because the chemicals in my brain are out of whack. I like being happy because the world is a beautiful place, not because I somehow didn't get enough sleep for a few days and now my body thinks that I should be hypomanic.

Mostly, I like being in control. I spent about 11 years of my life feeling completely out of control and having no idea why. Medicine has given me some level of control and at least now I know why my moods aren't something I can just change willy-nilly, but if I could trade away my bipolar, manias and all, I'd do it in a heartbeat just so I could be in control. I would gladly give up this extra level of happy forever if I could wake up every day with a pretty good idea of what kind of day I'm going to have. Or if I could be one of those people who could just choose what mood I'm going to have. I've tried. I can't. If I could, I wouldn't be manic right now.

Long story short, being manic is like being drunk--except you didn't choose to become drunk in the first place. For some people, it's worth it. For me, it's not.

A New Life Course

Yes, I know I haven't posted in FOREVER. Why? Because I'm in my senior year of a strenuous program and it's beyond stressful. Plus I'm running a business and have had some mental health issues. I'm going to work on writing more...after this semester. In the meantime, here is the big "I'm changing the entire direction of my life" blog post you've all been waiting for (and by you all, I mean 3 of you).

As many of you know, I have been attending school for the last (almost) four years to become a biomedical engineer. I am on the final stretch! I have less than six months until I graduate (assuming I don't crash and burn...We're trying to avoid that). Anyway, for the first three years of my ASU career, the goal was to graduate, get a job in a big medical device company as a junior engineer, and start earning some money.

Then things started changing.

First, in August of 2017 I opened my massage business and then in March 2018, I took a leap of faith and got a physical location and started seriously building my business. This was supposed to be a side gig until I graduated, maybe pay my way through grad school as well. Little did I know it would prove to be the foundation of everything.

The thing is, I really like working in a small business as my own boss. I even like being other people's boss. I don't mind the responsibility and I like figuring out how to make things "go". From the beginning, I've loved going to work more than going to school, and it's not just that doing massages relaxes me. I even like doing the paperwork more than I like going to school. I'd rather do my business taxes than attend my thermodynamics course. This is something I noticed last spring, but I simply put the thought on the back burner and moved on with my life.

At the start of Fall semester, one of my engineering professors talked about this class called "MedTech Ventures" where you build a venture based on a medical device, including designing and building the device. It sounded a lot like my capstone course and I thought it would provide me with another great opportunity to design a medical device before graduation, thus increasing my chances of getting a good job. I signed up. And I fell in love--but not with the "medical device designing" part. No, I fell in love with the "building a venture" part.

Doing MedTech Ventures at the same time as I'm doing Capstone has been eye opening. Essentially, they're really similar. Come up with a medical device, design the device., figure out what it takes to sell the device. The focus is different though. In Capstone it's about the engineering and the business is a tool to help get the device created. In MedTech Ventures it's about building a venture and using engineering as a tool do create a successful business. As I've progressed through the year, I realized over and over again that I would rather be doing what I'm doing in MedTech Ventures than what I'm doing in Capstone.

Part of the appeal of MedTech Ventures is the role I get to play. See, in that "class" (it's more of a program), I get to play a unique role. I get to be the go-between for engineers and business people. From three and a half years of engineering school, I speak the engineering language. What I don't understand, I know how to learn, and I can quickly be caught up to speed. I also speak enough business between my own experience running a small business and the class that I can hold competent conversations with the business people as well. Best part? I can translate between the two. I can take what the business people want and word it in a way that the engineer understands the importance. I can also take what the engineer is saying and simplify it so that the business people can understand the essentials.

It turns out, there's a real position in companies that would allow me to be the translating-go-between for these departments. It's called "Product Manager". There's a lot more to it than that, but essentially I'd be working with the two departments, translating between the two, and making sure the product was developed in a timely manner. I'd also get to be the boss, which is appealing for me. When I found out about this position last fall, my brain starting going crazy, but I didn't significantly change my plans. I was still looking at getting a job in engineering this year.

The next twist that happened was I decided to go to grad school. I took the GRE and everything. My plan was to get a degree in biomedical engineering and open up more engineering options for me. This locked my brain back into engineering mode and I began pursuing that path.

Then the last few weeks happened. I don't have time here to talk about what all that entailed, but the essentials is I've had some major head-space shifts and I decided I didn't want to be an engineer. At all. Ever. I love being involved in the process of device creation. I really don't like being the one doing the detailed engineering work. Someone else can do that, please. This lead me back to what I've loved the most in the last year: being involved in building businesses/ventures.

So, here's where I'm at: I'm looking at two options for grad school. One, I get an MS in Innovation something or other. This option may not even be an option as the program was supposed to launch this fall, but it looks like they might delay it. The other is I get an MBA. Right now, I'm leaning toward the MBA option. I'm thinking of applying now, even though I'm just coming out of my undergrad, because the fact I'm a non traditional student might get me in anyway.  Plus, how many of the undergrads can say they started and ran a successful business while going to school full time? If it doesn't work, my plans don't change significantly--it just puts the school piece on hold.

The rest of the short term plan is to get some experience in ventures, preferably MedTech and preferably in Product Management. I am not looking for a full time job as I plan on a) going to school, and b) keeping my massage business going. I actually believe that the MedTech Ventures program will open this door. I have some amazing connections now that I wouldn't have had without this program. If I get into an MBA program, I'll go to school while doing this, but do it part time. This will provide me with the skills, experience, and connections I need for future goals.

The long term plan is to be involved in the creation of MedTech businesses. I want to help build them from the ground up and then when they get big enough to garner attention, sell them off to the big companies and start fresh. If I'm not in an owner role (which I'm not necessarily opposed to), I do the same but don't sell it--just leave for a new venture when it's sold. There's going to be some failures in there. That's OK. I think failure can be a great tool. But there's also bound to be some successes.

My life is much less "sure" than it was a few weeks ago, but I'm way more excited and happy than I used to be as well. My sister commented that I seem lighter, like a weight has been taken off. It's true. I'm actually looking forward to graduation. While I was before in the sense that I wouldn't have to go to school any more, now it's because I'm passionate about the future. Before, I just was sick of school but (frankly) terrified of what would come after. It gave me some bad anxiety this semester, but once I started making these decisions, the anxiety has gone away almost completely. I'm feeling really happy and really blessed.

I can't wait to see what my future holds.