Saved by Medication

I had a realization today: If I weren't on a medication that kept my moods mostly in check, I would be swinging wildly out of balance right now.

I can see the pattern: the other day, I was in a great space. It wasn't hypomanic--my meds kept me out of that level--but it was great. Then 2 days later, I'm pretty depressed and honestly wishing I could go to sleep and wake up maybe never. Not actually suicidal as I don't really want to die, but I'm so tired of life. (And yes, I logically know that I have NO reason to be tired of life. It's a feature of my disorder, nothing more nothing less.) But the pattern is clear--high to low.

That's my typical mood shifting pattern. High to low. Except because of my medication, the high wasn't high enough to cause any issues and the low wasn't bad enough to really be concerning. It's uncomfortable, but not concerning. (If you don't have depression/have never dealt with it, or it isn't a chronic issue with you, I could see you thinking me wanting to go to sleep and not wake up as a concerning factor, but honestly it's a pretty benign version. There was no active push to hurt myself in any way shape or form. I was in no way a danger to myself. I just wanted to sleep. That's a "I need to watch this" situation, not a "I need help now" situation.)

This realization made me appreciate my medication again. Sometimes I hate the fact that I have to take medication to live a normal life, but you know what? That's the wrong attitude. Here's the reality: I am so very blessed that I have a medication that helps me live a normal life! Because I'm a disaster off of medication. None of what I've accomplished since 2012 would have been possible without medication. I was a high school and college drop out who felt like a failure. I was a good massage therapist who couldn't be consistent with my clients because my moods were all over the place. The world was scary because I never knew what tomorrow would bring. The journey to finding the right med wasn't easy. Oh man, it wasn't easy. I read through a list of typical bipolar medications today and counted the ones I've been on. Assuming all the meds I've been on were on that list, I've been on at least 7 different bipolar meds, not including the different antidepressants, just to get me where I'm at today.

In March of 2017, I finally found my magical medicine. My psychiatrist put me on Latuda and I've been on it since. In just under 3 years, I've only had a handful of hypomanic episodes and none of them were serious or concerning. I've had a lot less depression episodes as well, though like most mood stabilizers, Latuda stabilize me into a mild depression (why I've also been on a lot of antidepressants). My life is stressful and hectic and I'm managing. I'm not doing great every day, but I'm managing at a higher capacity than anyone else I know with bipolar disorder as severe as mine. When I look at where my life has been and where my life could be, I thank my lucky stars that I have medication.

Which made me realize that it's time to admit defeat and go back to my psychiatrist. I'm too depressed to not be on an antidepressant right now. But again, that's the wrong attitude. I have an amazing psychiatrist who will listen to me and put me on a medication to help with my depression. She knows which ones have worked for me in the past and which ones are likely to help with the upcoming situations I'm facing. She'll help me find the best way to manage this symptom. While this level of depression is not concerning, it is uncomfortable, and why should I live in a constant state of being uncomfortable when there's something I can do about it? So I'm calling my doctor tomorrow.

Even if I couldn't get on an antidepressant right now, I'd still be grateful for what I have. I am running my own business, writing a novel, and helping build a start-up right now. I couldn't have done that before finding Latuda, so today, I'm going to be grateful for my little white pill that I take just before bed.