Friendship and Mental Illnesses

Today I've thought a lot about friendship, what it means, why friends are important, and whether or not I'm happy with my friendship situations. I've also thought about how mental illnesses affect friendships. It's been a day of introspection.

It started because of a situation at school.

We were divided into large groups where we were supposed to discuss the problems with the current methods of treating certain kinds of congenital heart defects. My group was supposed to discuss the imaging aspect of it. At first, we were in large groups and it was great. Not everyone was talking, but there were people talking and contributing and I felt fine. No one was excluding me, even though no one was paying particular attention to me either. It was comfortable. Then they had us divide into smaller groups. This is when it got rough for me.

The people to my right huddled together. They all knew each other and even though there were more of them than the allotted amount, they didn't care. They were friends and they were going to work together. The people across from me put their heads together. The people to the left of me grouped up. I was an island in the sea of groups. No one acknowledged me. No one seemed to notice that I didn't have a group. No one seemed to care that I existed.

If I were in great spot or a hypomanic spot, this would have been no big deal. I would have shrugged it off and forced my way into a group, whether they wanted me or not. Unfortunately, I'm not in a great spot. I'm in a funk. I'm mildly depressed, but not enough that I'd consider it a depression episode. It's not worth adjusting meds over, but I am seeing my counselor tomorrow. Anyway, I didn't have it in me to force my way into a group that possibly might not welcome the intrusion. So I worked alone. And I fought back tears the entire time and wondered what happened to get me, friendly Beans, into a situation where I felt completely unwelcome.

Now, if this was the first time something like this had happened since I started my major, I might still have been able to shrug it off. But it's not. I feel like an after thought for my peers. They either don't acknowledge me, or brush me off for their "friends". Most days, if I don't put myself out there, I don't talk to anyone at school. And I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm forcing my way into people's lives who clearly don't care if I'm in it. I have two and a half friends in my major (the half is a boyfriend of my friend, who pretty much only acknowledges me when he's with his girlfriend). Only one of those has potential to be more than just a school chum. Only one of those have I ever talked with about more than just school. She's great, by the way. I've known her for 5 months, so it's not a deep friendship, but it has potential. That one friendship makes school not seem like a dismal island of loneliness every day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with anyone at school. Friendship making is a two way street and during my time at the university, I haven't put much into it. Mostly because I've been battling my mental health. I didn't have the energy to try and make friends when I could barely get out of bed or when my anxiety was overwhelming me to the point I could barely function. That's no one's fault. It's just how it is. This realization caused me to do some serious introspection.

The reality is I have lots of really good friends. Some I talk to regularly. Some I barely talk to at all. Some I've known for years. Others it's been a short time. But I know I'm loved.  Evidence of this is a blanket sitting on my bed that a friend made for me over Winter Break. Even thinking about that blanket makes me smile and feel loved. I'm truly a blessed person.

Yet my mental illnesses have limited my friendships at times. I'd be a liar to say otherwise. This has been due to me not putting in enough effort and because other people don't know how to handle my mental illnesses. Here's two examples:

1-My efforts weren't enough:

After my mom was diagnosed with cancer and then after she died, I isolated myself. I was in a bad depression episode that was situational compounded with my mental illnesses. During this time, I made zero efforts to be anyone's friend. I was so locked up in my pain that I had nothing to give and I didn't want platitudes. Because I gave nothing back to people, I lost a lot of friends during that time, or the friendships were significantly weakened. I'm not going to say it was my fault, because that implies blame, and I don't blame myself. But there's no one else to blame either. I didn't reciprocate friendships and after a while, people stopped trying.

2-Other people don't know how to handle my mental illnesses:

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I pretty much immediately told people. I spent a large chunk of my life hiding things and it was a terrible time period. I never want to go back to that place, so I chose to not hide my mental illness. Some people didn't know how to handle this. No one outright unfriended me or anything, but many people distanced themselves from me. I think they didn't know how to respond. I think some of them were afraid of the disorder and didn't realize I'm the exact same person I was before the diagnosis; I just now have a name for my problems. Bipolar disorder is scary in today's society, though I feel like the stigma is lessening. I don't blame them. What you don't understand is scary and people don't understand bipolar disorder (this is one of the big reasons I started this blog). 

Here's the thing: mental illnesses affect friendships. Similar (though not as drastic) things have happened during other depression episodes, where I've shut people out and it damages friendships. I've also  watched people get physically uncomfortable when my mental illnesses come up in conversations. Even good friends sometimes don't know how to respond. They can't relate and it becomes awkward.

On the other hand, sometimes it's been good to have mental illnesses in terms of friendships. Some of the best friends I have bonded with me over our shared experiences fighting depression or anxiety or hypomania. Those friendships have been deep because we understand each other in a way most people don't get. It can be really nice.

Sadly, I think a lot of the time mental illnesses negatively impact friendships, such as my examples listed above (though those are just the start!)

Either way you look at it, friendships are not the same when you include mental illnesses in the picture. They just aren't.

In some ways, I'm a better friend because of my mental illnesses. I'm more understanding, more compassionate, less judgmental, and a better listener. In some ways, I'm a worse friend. I'm not always there for people when my disorders act up. I can't always do things with people when they want and sometimes have to cancel plans. If my depression is really bad, I may not pay much attention to people for a while.

I honestly don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with that. Maybe they are in a spot that they need a more consistent friend, and that's ok. I can't be everyone's friend. But I thank my lucky stars for the friends I have. Even if I don't talk to them often, I appreciate them. I cherish their friendships and look forward to the next interaction.

School may be a bit lonely sometimes, but life is not.