Some days the Demon wins....

Sometimes I don't feel like writing. Not because I don't like to write. Not because I have nothing to write about. But because the idea of exposing my inner emotions is terrifying. Today is one of those terrifying days.

What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of the inner voice in my head that says "you're making it up" and "you're not trying hard enough".

Of course those thoughts are juxtaposed with "what's the point of trying if you're just going to fail" and "nothing  you do will ever be good enough".

Sometimes I have these thoughts when I'm balanced. But when I'm balanced I can laugh it off and say "Pshh, I got this. Go away negative voices." And of course when I'm hypomanic I don't even think I can't do things. But my demon, the thing I hate and fear most in my life, is the recurring depressive episodes, and while in a depressive episode those voices crowd around me so tight I feel like I can barely breathe, much less think straight.

Right now I'm in the midst of a depressive episode. And admitting that on this blog is hard to do. I mean, I can type the words, but as soon as I do I have an impulse to erase everything I've written. No one wants to read about my struggles. They want to hear about happy Beans, about succeeding Beans, not a Beans that couldn't get out of bed today, who used stomach problems as an excuse to skip class, who curled up under a blanket and who has fought the tears from spilling down my cheeks all day. They want to read about how my medicine is working great and I'm doing well in school, not that I'm so behind in one of my classes I'm considering dropping it and trying again next semester and that I'm slowly teaching my teachers they can't expect me to succeed by not doing well in one class after another.

The worst part is I don't feel like I can reach out to my teachers and say "Hey, my depression is acting up. Can you help?" Because depression in my mind is still something so negative. I don't judge other people when they're depressed, but I'm my own worst critic. Because my depression is not as bad as it has been sometimes I tell myself it doesn't really count. I should be able to suck it up and deal with life. Missing school has no excuse. Plenty of people would cut off their right arm to have the opportunities I've been given.

But depression isn't logical. I can't logic it away, and trust me I've tried. I'm ridiculously logical and sometimes too literal (ask my in laws who have teased me about it). But no matter how much I want to logically tell myself I can do hard things, right now, school (which is pretty much my entire life) seems like an insurmountable wall.

As a proponent of medication, you're probably wondering why I haven't called my doctor up and said "hey! My medicine isn't working right. We need to fix it!" And you're right that doing so is the logical step...if I weren't having other health concerns that are taking precedence. Long story short, I'm most likely going to be put on a different medication for a different concern next week and that could mess with my moods so my pdoc won't change anything until I've been on that medication for a little while. And then I have to wait for the bipolar medication to take effect...which can take a while. So unless my moods magically switch (which I suppose is possible, though highly unlikely given my history), I'm going to be stuck fighting depression for a little while.

Which leaves me with the problem of this insurmountable semester. Somehow I have to keep going when all I want to do is curl up in blankets like a burrito, sleep, and cry. Or not cry. Sometimes I feel nothing. Today is just a cry day. But how in the world am I supposed to deal with college when I can't even convince myself showering is a good idea? How am I supposed to do my homework and study for tests when I can't even get out of bed?

I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the next week, much less the next 10. Step one is to contact the disability resource center and see what they think I should do about alerting instructors. Step two is to face tomorrow and pray it's better than today. Step three is to somehow, someway, succeed in getting the inner voices, the voices that are fed by my depression, to shut up. I can do step one. The rest....well...we'll see.