A New Year: Episode 2018

It's New Year's Eve and for me, that means reflecting on the previous year and making plans for the new one. This year isn't like most years, however. I've already made a bunch of resolutions and changes in my life. My "New Year" started November 18 (see this post if you don't know what I'm talking about). So where does that leave me with the New Year?

I hadn't expected to make any grand changes in my life that I hadn't already implemented. Yet, upon further reflection, I realized I am making changes that I haven't told you guys about. I'd already decided to make some of these changes, but tonight, I realized the biggest change I can make is my attitude towards this. So that's my New Year's Resolution: A new attitude.

Right now you're probably wondering what in the world I'm talking about. What am I changing my attitude towards?

Only the most dreaded thing in my life: school.

Guys, I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed school. I used to, but I haven't since my first year at the university. Community college was enjoyable. It wasn't cake walk. I started my journey of changing meds while at community college and that was difficult. But I felt like I always came out on top. The last 2 years, however, I have felt like I'm drowning.

Part of the problem is I picked a ridiculously hard major. Biomedical Engineering is no joke.

Most of the problem is I have mental health disorders that make school a challenge.

I thought last semester would be different. My bipolar disorder has been in check. I'm balanced! Therefore, school should be easier like it was before, right? Err! Wrong! Last semester was terrible. My anxiety was through the roof. I was so lost in my own brain, so lost in my anxiety, that I thought I was failing a class that I got a B in. A solid B. Yes, I had to get an incomplete in order to not fail one class, but the rest of my grades were A's and B's. My cumulative GPA went up! But none of that mattered during the semester, because my anxiety was driving the car and it thought I was doing terrible.

I never want to have that much anxiety again. Never. I'd do almost anything to keep it away. I know I didn't write about it very much, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen or it wasn't real.  Frankly, it sucked. Big time. Even remembering it makes me want to cry.

Hence the changes.

The big change is simple: I am not going to school full time next semester.

I realized I had 4 choices:

1. Drop out of school again
2. Change my major
3. Allow anxiety to rule my life
4. Ease my schedule by going part time

I refuse to drop out of school. I've come way too far. I feel the same about changing my major, especially after surviving last semester. Plus, I like my major, even though it's ridiculously hard. I like what I'm learning and the direction I'm headed with my life. I also refuse to allow anxiety to control me the way it did last semester. That leaves option 4: slow down my graduation rate by going part time.

The goal is to only go 8 credits. I'm trying 8 because if I pass these specific classes, I might only slow down graduation by a semester if I go during the summers. However, if 8 is too much, I'll slow down even more. My sanity, my enjoyment of life, is worth that extra semester, or even an extra year. That's taken me weeks to actually believe it when I say that, but I believe it tonight. I am worth that year.

 On top of that change, tonight I added a new factor: my attitude.

I'm going to approach school differently. I'm going to try to see the good in every class, to see how it can help me in the future rather than focusing on the pain of the now. I'm going to take every opportunity to learn, to grow, and to achieve great things. I'm going to learn to love school again.

I honestly don't think this change of attitude will be easy. I think it'll be very difficult. I'm going to have to rewrite my brain's approach to school completely. But I've done it before. I hated BME 282 when I took it the first time, but last semester it was my favorite class. It was the same course, same curriculum, same professor. The only thing that changed was my attitude. What I'm looking to do is apply the same process to school as a whole this time. If I can do it for BME 282, why can't I do it for all of school? It won't be easy, but the things in life that are worth my time are rarely easy.

I'm feeling hopeful, hopeful that this new year will bring me happiness in more ways than originally anticipated. I'm hoping I won't dread every minute of my university years. I'm hoping I can see beauty in that aspect of my life, just as I've found it in every other. It's a New Year, and at least in that regard, I'm hoping a new me.

Here's to change! Here's to Resolutions! And here's to a New Year!

Happy New Years Eve!