The Elusive Hope Returns

Today's post is about something which most people take for granted, but people who have dealt with a depression episode have struggled to find or hang onto. Today's post is about hope.

In Christianity it's common to hear about faith, hope, and charity. They're the three theological virtues as taught by Paul. In my religion, they're stressed as important to find. Faith and Charity get the most attention, but hope is also important. And when you're depressed, you lose hope.

This can be incredibly difficult. Hope is what keeps us going. Hope is what gives us reason to look forward to tomorrow. Hope is what keeps us looking forward to the 2nd coming of Christ. Hope is integral to being able to function in the world, and especially in the Christian faith.

When I was a teenager, I realized I lost hope during one of my depression episodes. I felt like a failure, like I had done something wrong to lose this virtue. I prayed and prayed for hope to come back. I shed many tears over my lack of hope. Then my depression episode shifted into either a normal episode or a hypomanic one (I don't remember which), and like flipping a switch, my hope in both the future and my God returned.

That should have been a lightbulb moment for me. I should have put the pieces together, that it wasn't me that was failing, it was my brain acting up. But it didn't. It took several more years before I learned my views of depression and how it affected my life were wrong.

Fast forward to today. Today I had a measure of hope return. As you know, I've been struggling with depression lately. I've had 2 episodes in the last 6 months and it's taken its toll. I'm emotionally worn down. Last night I realized I was lacking a measure of hope. So, being religious, I prayed. I prayed that I could overcome the residual effects of the depression (because it's mostly gone thanks to meds). One of those residual effects is my lack of hope. And I was not left empty-handed.

This morning I met with my psychiatrist. After talking about my symptoms and what I'm struggling with, he recommended a change in my mood-stabilizer. We're taking me of Zyprexa and putting me on Latuda. Zyprexa is known to cause weight gain, which I've had, partially due to the fact it triggers the body to crave carbs, especially sugar. On this medication, I crave sugar all the time. If there's something sweet, I eat it. I have almost no self control. Zyprexa also causes drowsiness. And boy have I been drowsy! I sleep 9-12 hours a night and if I only get 9, I need to take a nap during the day (at least an hour) in order to feel human and focus. There might be some other things going on, but I know the Zyprexa is a big part of why I'm so tired all the time. I can't live my life constantly gaining weight and feeling exhausted. I've been really worried about these things, especially as I prepare for my future. I need a mood stabilizer though, so I felt trapped. My psychiatrist telling me we could switch my mood stabilizer to one that is considered weight-neutral (i.e. it does not cause cravings and weight gain) and that doesn't cause as much drowsiness was freeing. It made me hope for the future. It made me hope in tomorrow. Maybe after I stop taking the Zyprexa, I'll be able to sleep a normal amount and wake up feeling rested. Maybe I'll be able to control my weight so I don't develop diabetes before I'm 35. Maybe I can be balanced AND healthy! This morning, I received a measure of hope.

And the day got better.

In my religion (institute) class we watched part of a video called The Testaments. It tells the story of a family who witnessed Jesus visiting the Americas after his resurrection. In the story, just before Jesus comes, the father becomes blind. He felt devastated because he spent his whole life waiting for Jesus to come, and now he would never see him. Jesus comes and calls him by name and heals him. I started crying when that happened. I've seen the movie before, but this time it was the simple act of calling him by name that touched my heart. Jesus knows ME. He knows MY struggles. He knows MY pain and the day will come (probably after death), where he will look me in the eyes and say "Beans, be thou whole." And I will be healed from all of my pains and sorrows and afflictions. Today, God restored my hope in my Savior.

So right now, I feel at peace. I haven't felt at peace for weeks, maybe months. I have hope. I hope in the future, I have hope in my Redeemer. I have hope that continuing with this plain of existence is worth it.

If I was still depressed, there's a good chance these things would have been minor blips on my radar, giving me a moment of hope that was quickly washed away in the hopelessness of depression. And if you are depressed and aren't feeling hope, don't beat yourself up! Hope is elusive during depression episodes. Just hang in there. Fill your life with things that bring you hope, so you have enough positive blips that you don't lose hope completely. Remember, you've survived 100% of days so far. You can survive one more. Even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done. And I promise it's worth it.

Thankfully I'm not depressed any more. So this feeling of hope has lasted all day. And I have reason to suppose it'll last me through tomorrow. That's a wonderful feeling.

I'm so grateful for the return of hope.