Attack of the Anxiety Monster

Good news everyone! I'm only mildly depressed right now! I don't know if it's because of medication change, the natural cycle of my moods, or....Frankly, I don't care. I'm just thrilled that I'm functional again.

Until this afternoon when I was attacked by depressions evil cousin: Anxiety!

I've thought about how to write about anxiety. So many people suffer from it and I want to treat their experiences with respect. But the problem is not everyone experiences anxiety the same. Matter of fact, each anxiety attack I have is slightly different. So I don't know how to be fair to everyone's experiences. I can only share with you mine and hope no one feels slighted.

This afternoon we had a family get-together. Normally those are the highlight of my weeks. My brother-in-law and his family and my mother and father-in-law both live in the same city, so we get together most Sundays. My brother-in-law has four little boys who adore me. Well, three of them adore me. The youngest one is still figuring out whether he likes ice cream or not. I can't really expect him to love me if he's not sure he loves ice cream. But I digress.

It was about 3 pm and my nephews were crowding around me when anxiety hit. For absolutely no reason I can fathom I felt overwhelmed by these boys. P, the 4 year old, was climbing on me like he normally does "Can I have a piggy back ride?" and I wanted to push him away because I felt smothered. B. and D., the older two boys were trying to tickle me and I was making a half-hearted attempt to tickle them back, but really I wanted nothing more than to be alone right then. I had 3 boys who love me more than anything who were expecting their normal, happy aunt to be jumping around, tickling them, running around the house giving them piggy back rides and playing whatever they wanted, but I just wanted to be alone and away from people because it was overwhelming my senses. I never feel overwhelmed by these boys. Most of the time, they're my saving grace. When I'm depressed, they give me a glimpsed of joy that I can hold on to, a piece of their childlike innocence that fuels my belief in good. It broke my heart that I didn't want to be by them. But this overload of sensations was hard to ignore. I did my best to still be the great aunt, but there was only so much I could do.

Fast forward. After everyone left, I retreated to my bed and spent some alone time and some time with my husband. I thought I was feeling better. Then I went out to talk to my mother in law (we're temporarily staying at their house). My wonderful mother in law and started talking to me about things and she asked "What can I do for you?" That shouldn't be a bad question, but it brought up all my anxiety and I broke down. I cried. I tried to explain how I felt so I'll share that with you.

It felt like someone placed a weight in my chest that was smothering my heart. That weight was hooked to another weight behind me that I have to drag everywhere. I feel stuck, like I can't move. I can barely breathe. I can't focus...And my emotions are in turmoil.

My mother in law held me while I cried and then she helped me do a simple task to get me moving again.

Anxiety doesn't always feel like that. But a lot of the time for me, it feels like I'm being held back by something I can't control. It's the sense of losing control that is so scary to me. But when I have a bad anxiety attack, control is limited. My emotions are out of control. My body seems out of my control. My thoughts are running wild. It's a crappy situation.

My anxiety has calmed down a lot. I'm not feeling panicky or out of control. But there's a fluttering in my chest that won't go away. .And the weight is still there. Medicine helps. Speaking of which, I'm going to take some. But it's not a cure all. Hopefully a good night sleep will "cure" me of it (for at least a day).

I just wish I could have a day without anxiety OR depression!