Being Balanced

Sorry I haven't written for a while. There's one big reason for this: I have been super busy. I was under so much stress trying to finish the semester. That was followed by moving without my husband's help (thank goodness for amazing friends!). The day after I finished moving, I drove 12 hours to visit family and start an internship. The first week of the internship I got sick. It's been crazy.  But things are settling into a routine and I'm finding me time more frequently. For example, I was busy all day, but this evening I still have a chillax moment to write.

Today I'd like to talk about what it means to be balanced. Guys, I'm balanced! IT'S AMAZING!!!! I've been balanced since I changed medicine in March! Again, amazing! I seriously thank God every day.

But what does being balanced mean?

According to my little brother, it means if you eat some celery, you have to eat a cookie, because balance!

And while that's a form of balance, that's not quite what being balanced means, at least not in terms of bipolar-balance.

Most people think being balanced means I have no big highs or lows. I just experience a nice happy middle ground.

Unfortunately, that's not true. Being balanced means I'm mostly in the middle. I still have days where I have too much energy and crazy impulses. And I still have days where I just want to cry for no reason. But they're milder than they used to be and they're exactly what I said: days, or even better, moments. They don't consume my life. They don't take over. They don't make it so I can't function normally or lose control.

I guess if I had to define being balanced, I'd say it's being in control.

This last week I've been mildly depressed several days. It scared me a lot. I was terrified that I was sliding into another depression episode. On top of "just" being depressed, I'm over 750 miles away from my doctor, and even further from home. What would I do if I crashed right now? I would be in some serious trouble. It's not surprising that I was scared.

As I thought about it today, however, I realized that it's not that I'm sliding into a depression episode. I have legitimate reasons to be sad. I'm homesick. I really miss my husband and his family. I miss my friends. I'm stressed. I'm doing things in my internship that I've never done before. I got sick and that often makes me feel down. I messed up my sleeping schedule because I was sick and messing with my sleeping schedule always throws me for a loop. But I'm still in control. That's the key to life I don't have when it's a real depression episode.

I think people who are bipolar, even when balanced, tend to swing farther than normal people. I don't just have bad days. I have mildly depressed days. I don't just have good days. I have borderline hypomanic days. For example, today was a good day. I got ridiculously hyper and was doing some hypomanic behaviors that I don't do on normal days. But again, it was in control. I didn't have the same impulses and the disposition to give into those impulses that I normally have when hypomanic. The reality is I don't really know how to just be happy without getting too high and I struggle with keeping my sad just sad and not allowing it to slide into a mild depression. My emotions still swing in ways that some people don't understand, but I feel so blessed right now. I'd do anything to stay where I've been the last 3 1/2 months. It's heaven.

If I still swing, what's so great about my meds, you might be wondering. Again, it comes back to control. I have complete control of my life. I might be sadder than I should be, but I can get up and go to my internship anyway. I might be bouncing off the walls and wanting to talk up a storm, but I can take a minute to write my blog post instead. I haven't felt this balanced in years, possibly since I was a little kid. It makes me want to cry with joy. Hands down I'll take my days where I feel mildly depressed. Hands down I'll take my adventures into the fringe of hypomania. Because for the first time in a long time, I am in control. And it's beautiful.